To cut living expenses, I’ve starting bringing lunch to work and today’s was day-old Kung-Pow chicken. Â While microwaving, the director of finance came in and did a double-take seeing a metal container in the microwave and asked how I wasn’t breaking anything. Â I told him that metal is only a problem if it’s a certain type or if there’s crinkles where the metal can arc, so I bend the sides down. Â He looked at me in astonishment a said “I there nothing that R&D can’t do?” Â as if I personally were responsible for changing the laws of physics to prevent sparking. Â I’m glad he has control of our company’s money….
Tag: work
Haha, funny. Dickweed
So I’ve started wearing suspenders to work and they worked perfectly up till today when they got caught on something when I was trying to put them back on in the bathroom resulting in me pulling one of the straps off and hitting myself in the face with it resulting in me hitting my head against the side of the stall. Â After another few moments of struggling I emerged from the stall with my shirt partially untucked and disheveled hair only to be joined at the wash basin by my former boss’s boss who’d heard the entire thing, looks at me and says “Nice suspenders”. Astardbay.
Dr. Colossus Returns
My productivity is vastly improved when I have an arch-nemesis. Â Someone to whom I can dedicate heroic feets of self-less activity merely to prevent them from one upping me. Â Upon returning to work, I discovered my old one had moved on to another job and have thus sat around near catatonic for a week. Â That was until today a woman when a woman gave me a dirty look for taking her Lean Cuisine out of the microwave after she failed to remove it after 5 minutes. Â The game is on Ms. Dirty-Look-Giver-to-Microwave-Dish-Remover-People, the game is on.
Yes, housekeeping did it
Every day after lunch I swing by the Finance Secretary’s desk for a piece of candy and recently it’s been the good stuff, like those little Lindor Balls that people only bring out to impress guests. Â Yesterday, the balls were gone and I asked the secretary what happened to the candy dish, to which she responded “someone kept taking them while I was lunch and those chocolates were expensive, I think it was housekeeping.” Â Yes, housekeeping…
Yes, housekeeping did it
Every day after lunch I swing by the Finance Secretary’s desk for a piece of candy and recently it’s been the good stuff, like those little Lindor Balls that people only bring out to impress guests. Â Yesterday, the balls were gone and I asked the secretary what happened to the candy dish, to which she responded “someone kept taking them while I was lunch and those chocolates were expensive, I think it was housekeeping.” Â Yes, housekeeping…
You must answer me my questions three…
I tried to set-up all my user accounts at work so the entire day was spent in a cycle of cloak and dagger password negotiations that was reminiscent of a NES RPG, “to get your password requires your security code held by HR, but they will only give it to you in exchange for your BMS pin and a the Crystal of K’lllashaa.  Your BMS pin is your initials with a magic four digit code in between that is only revealed during nights of a full moon”.  So, I’m talking with the man from Security trying to get my PIN which “would be tough not to know *Gay laugh*, heh heh heh”.  And I’m trying to guess it like some sort of retarded HR carnival game only to find after using up my 3 guesses and having to call my manager over that it was actually my birthday DESPITE THE FUCKING FACT THAT I HAD TO VERIFY MY ID BY GIVING MY BIRTHDAY WHEN I CALLED.
Urine samples during the Civil War
I received a packet to fill out for re-employment at BMS and my father asked about the drug test portion. Â I told him that I took the packet to a local testing center and they sent the results to BMS to which he responsed. “You can just go when you want, and to any location? Â In my day, when we had to do a mandatory drug test for our employer we got a cup and a finger pointing to the door, none if this ‘schedule it when you want stuff’, yeesh” I think that may get an award as the world’s oddest “In my day” speech.
Fun with urine
One advantage to not taking drugs: Â You can fuck with people who take urine samples. Â Today I was scheduled to take a pee test for rememployment at BMS. Â The last time I did, it was after a rather salty meal washed down with vitamin fortified apple juice, my pee could have been used to fill a glow stick. Â This time, I was ready. Â Things consumed in preparation for test:
2 liter bottle Diet Cream Soda
2 liter bottle Diet Mountain Dew
8Â 16 oz glasses of water
2Â Bran Muffins
2 12 oz mugs of coffee
1 24 oz bottle of Powerade (so my heart wouldn’t stop beating after I flushed all the salts)
Needless to say, my wee was now roughly at substitute-for-surgical-wash stage.
I walk in to the test center unable to completely wipe the stupid smile from my face and after hearing the infinite safety precautions and being asked if I could “give a sample” I receive my cup with a built in thermometer and go off to the bathroom.  I wait about 5 minutes, fill the container with pristine liquid waste, give it a minute to let the bubbles settle and walk out smiling.  The nurse takes the sample and after she gives it a confused look she walked out and I hear the following:
Nurse 1: “Does this look right to you?”
Nurse 2: “What do you mean?”
Nurse 1: “The color”
Nurse 2: “Did you dye the toilet bowl and tape the faucet?”
Nurse 1: “Yes, I turned the water off.”
Nurse 2: “Were there bubbles?”
Nurse 1: “Not that I could see”
Nurse 2: “Well, shake it a bit and see if they’re any”
Nurse 1: “Thank God”
I look forward to the next one where I try to see if I can get it to be a color besides yellow or clear. Â I know Frankenberry Crunch can change the color of your feces, I wonder if a similar trick works on other waste…
Fun with urine
One advantage to not taking drugs: Â You can fuck with people who take urine samples. Â Today I was scheduled to take a pee test for rememployment at BMS. Â The last time I did, it was after a rather salty meal washed down with vitamin fortified apple juice, my pee could have been used to fill a glow stick. Â This time, I was ready. Â Things consumed in preparation for test:
2 liter bottle Diet Cream Soda
2 liter bottle Diet Mountain Dew
8Â 16 oz glasses of water
2Â Bran Muffins
2 12 oz mugs of coffee
1 24 oz bottle of Powerade (so my heart wouldn’t stop beating after I flushed all the salts)
Needless to say, my wee was now roughly at substitute-for-surgical-wash stage.
I walk in to the test center unable to completely wipe the stupid smile from my face and after hearing the infinite safety precautions and being asked if I could “give a sample” I receive my cup with a built in thermometer and go off to the bathroom.  I wait about 5 minutes, fill the container with pristine liquid waste, give it a minute to let the bubbles settle and walk out smiling.  The nurse takes the sample and after she gives it a confused look she walked out and I hear the following:
Nurse 1: “Does this look right to you?”
Nurse 2: “What do you mean?”
Nurse 1: “The color”
Nurse 2: “Did you dye the toilet bowl and tape the faucet?”
Nurse 1: “Yes, I turned the water off.”
Nurse 2: “Were there bubbles?”
Nurse 1: “Not that I could see”
Nurse 2: “Well, shake it a bit and see if they’re any”
Nurse 1: “Thank God”
I look forward to the next one where I try to see if I can get it to be a color besides yellow or clear. Â I know Frankenberry Crunch can change the color of your feces, I wonder if a similar trick works on other waste…