I’m really growing attached to the “Be A Winner” Stationary BMS has given us. When I got a note that said “Samples do not meet spec, redo” with “Be a Winner” under it, I wasn’t offended. I think HR should use these when dispensing employees:
-“Johnson, you’re fired”, “Be a Winner”
-“Your project budget has been rejected”, “Be a Winner”
-“Turns out those monkeys did have AIDS”, “Be a Winner”
Tag: work
Driveway of Doom
I successfully made it about 12 feet from my driveway before I started sliding wildly (I’m certain my tires may rival Teflon for a low coefficient of friction) and pulled out my phone to call my boss but was delayed by a voicemail from my boss stating he couldn’t leave his driveway and I didn’t have to go to work.
The quadruple amputee can't breathe!
CPR Training dummies consist of the non-descript torso of a person and head with a chest that clicks so you know a chest compression was done properly. Â Additionally, as part of proper CPR one must send someone for help and tell them any important details about he victim as possible. Â During my assessment I used the following:
“CPR Dummy, CPR Dummy are you okay? Â Tihn, get the AED and call the help line.”
“What should I tell them?”
“We have a non-descript unconscious hermaphroditic quadruple amputee that’s not responding and appears to have had multiple facelifts and lungs replaced with plastic lunch bags”
Winners write chiasmi, lossers… don't.
Our firm has recently instituted a series of cost-cutting measures which in the midst we received literally hundreds of sticky notes with dumb slogans on the bottom to which I’ve created insurgent responses:
Example:
The winner: Is always part of the solution, the loser is always part of the problem
Response: The winner is always part of the solution, the loser is always part of the precipitate
I don’t know how much they’d like my “The losers always blames those that can fire him, the winner always blames those he can fire” but no one’s noticed it yet.
Yes, I'm a Genuardi's club member
I was late for a training seminar at another work location and didn’t have time to take the visitor entrance as there’s a rather lengthy check in process but I didn’t have an ID to show the guard to get through. Idea, as I approached, I kept a reasonable pace and just showed the back of my library card. I hope it’s not this easy to get on military bases.
Don't talk about computers on company time… unless it's my computer
My computer hobbying has gotten around the office and co-workers have asked me a more than one computer question.  Today, one of the engineers was asking me about upgrading his processor and as I told him what he’d have to do the engineer saw his manager coming over and quickly switched topics when the manager says hi and immediately looks over his shoulders looking for his boss and asks me what he needs to do de-crap his daughter’s computer.
Why don't you hand sign your emails?
For the last few weeks I’ve used a manually generated ID to get into work rather than using the ID scanner and today the secretary had enough.
Her: “Why don’t you have an ID? I have to make you a new one everyday.”
Me: “I emailed the form to security.”
Her: “Did you get it signed by your manager?”
Me: “No, it’s an electronic doc.”
Her: “Well that’s the problem. Â Your manager needs to sign it.”
Me: “How?”
Her: *Eye roll*
Me: (Wishing I could shoot laser beams from my eyes but smiling) “Okay, I’m sorry, I’ll get the electronic copy of the PDF signed by my manager.”
Her: Thank you.
Multiplication FTW
Periodically we get work requests in the lab that are time consuming, sometimes because combinatronics hits people upside the head. Â As children, I think we all learned the “if Sally has 3 shirts and 5 shoes, she has 15 shirt-shoe combinations”. Â Well, today I previewed a work order that had 6 materials, with 6 treatments, to put through 4 destructive tests each requiring 10 samples at 3 separate time intervals for a total sample demand of 4320 combinations. Â When I asked the requester for the samples, he replied “will 200 be enough?”, reply: “Assuming I can cut them into pieces the size of the portion of your brain that takes care of multiplication, yes”.
From 0 to 3 in 20 minutes
Tech support is simultaneously a source of joy and frustration, especially if one is past the threshold of idiocy but before the gateway to mastery, today being betwain those became painfully clear.
Me:Â I currently have two login accounts and can never tell which I’m using
Tech:Â Isn’t there a different login name
Me:Â No
Tech: “That’s impossible”
Me:Â I thought that, too
Tech:Â Yes, it does list you twice, Mr. Robinson. Â It will take a few minutes to fix this, I will call back when it’s done
*Minutes later*
Tech:Â Mr. Robinson, you’re account’s have been reconciled
So, I try logging in, no success. Â Turns out “reconciled” is secret technical code for “I deleted them”. Â Needless to say, I called back, got another technician, who apologized, and created a new account. I logged in with it, it worked but when attempting to edit my employee information, found that there are now THREE Terry Robinsons, with the same address, work location, but different phone numbers. Â Arg…. If I’m lucky, the process will repeat such that I will be legion.
From 0 to 3 in 20 minutes
Tech support is simultaneously a source of joy and frustration, especially if one is past the threshold of idiocy but before the gateway to mastery, today being betwain those became painfully clear.
Me:Â I currently have two login accounts and can never tell which I’m using
Tech:Â Isn’t there a different login name
Me:Â No
Tech: “That’s impossible”
Me:Â I thought that, too
Tech:Â Yes, it does list you twice, Mr. Robinson. Â It will take a few minutes to fix this, I will call back when it’s done
*Minutes later*
Tech:Â Mr. Robinson, you’re account’s have been reconciled
So, I try logging in, no success. Â Turns out “reconciled” is secret technical code for “I deleted them”. Â Needless to say, I called back, got another technician, who apologized, and created a new account. I logged in with it, it worked but when attempting to edit my employee information, found that there are now THREE Terry Robinsons, with the same address, work location, but different phone numbers. Â Arg…. If I’m lucky, the process will repeat such that I will be legion.