Most rituals of American Christmas were outsourced to one our tenants’ girlfriends. She decorated the tree, purchased a poinsettia, and even set up stockings. Today, she filled those stockings but with only two items: candy canes and wet wipes. Either she was never able to master the tactic of slowly removing the wrapping as one finishes the candy cane or doesn’t think we have. I suppose an alternative is her simply thinking us pigs, also reasonable.
Tag: tenants
Hiding Food Crimes
Me: When Dave gets back, I think he’ll be miffed the mice ate into his box of mini-muffins, Pop Tarts, and Cookie Bars.
Dad: Do you think he’ll believe the mice have built an arctic outpost in the freezer?
Me: Why?
Dad: Because I’m slowly eating through all his ice cream sandwiches.
Ninja Canning
On reflection, our ninja tenants don’t quite live with us so much as they’ve infiltrated our home. One appears to have simple preferences as witnessed by the food that’s magically appeared consisting of:
- 8 jars of self-canned peach preserves
- 4 bags of Easter candy
- 24 bottles of some protein drink
- 4 3-packs of egg substitute
- 6 8-oz bottles of Canada Dry Seltzer Water
- A small plastic canister of cloves
Maybe if combined properly they form the ninja equivalent of the Philosopher’s Stone. If I ever actually see one of our tenants, I will ask. Assuming I’m not hit with a poison dart or the Vulcan nerve pinch first.
Ninja Illness
Me: Where’s Dave been?
Dad: He’s been sick in bed for almost a week.
Me: Really? Where? I haven’t seen him.
Dad: He’s been here the whole time. His reserve of soup and protein shake’s slowly been dropping.
Yet more evidence that our tenants aren’t normal power workers but shinobi in the employ of PSEG…
Renting to Ninjas
Our second tenant moved the rest of his personal items in, apparently. The room was largely empty at around 10 PM when I saw two pinpoints of light part in front. For about 30 seconds I heard muffled footsteps in the hallway outside my closed room door and a single “plop” of boxes being dropped.  Then, silently, the pinpoints left and all was quiet. I peek into the room at about 11 PM and there were about 25 24″x24″x18″ boxes and an entire queen-sized bed-frame, matress and box spring. I think we’re renting to either a Shinobi of the Silver Court or possibly David Copperfield.
Better Living Through Renting
The carpet for the front bed room went in and in short order our 2nd tenant started moving his things in. This included his suede couch, recliner and somehow really nice curtains he didn’t want in his room which magically replaced the destroyed ones in our living room. I asked my dad what he did with the old stuff.
Dad: I threw it out.
Me: What happens when he moves out.
Dad: We’ll hold onto it for him.
Me: I don’t think it works that way.
Dad: Hm… In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy our new couch.