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I was migrating a program from one PC to another and learned I needed to turn on ftp on one of the computers.  I didn’t know how we did that at my workplace so I asked my boss who to ask:

Boss: You should contact the head of server support.  But you can’t just call him.  You have to call the helpdesk have them tell you that they don’t know how to do it and then contact him.
Me: Can I just call him and say that the helpdesk wasn’t, well, helpful?
Boss: No, he’ll ask for the ticket number.
Me: Ah, so I need to show him the bruises on my head before he’ll believe me that I’ve been banging my head against the wall?
Boss:  That’s probably the best explanation of our tech support system I’ve ever heard.

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My uninterruptible power supply (UPS) starting going on the fritz today giving constant overload errors and showing no remaining battery capacity.  This device was purchased during a brief window of unemployment in 2006 when on one desperate day I submitted the warranty card for every device I owned.  To kill another day, I created hanging file folders with user manuals and purchasing information as well and today that work shone through when I contacted the UPS manufacturer:

Customer Service Agent:  I’m sorry to hear that your device isn’t functioning properly.  It’s out of warranty but I can offer you a deal on a trade-in (yes UPS manufacturers offer trade-ins).
Me:  Thank you, but as part of my warranty card registration, I receive an extra year of service which makes it covered.
Customer Service Agent:  Yes, but that doesn’t cover the battery end of life.
Me: As part of the  Newsletter I got when I registered, the code “FO1” indicates it a UPS issue and not a battery issue.
Customer Service Agent:  That is correct, what’s the warranty code?
Me: *provided*
Customer Service Agent: It appears you purchased this at a store, do you have the original receipt?
Me: Yes, yes I do.
Customer Service Agent: That model is no longer manufactured, the closest is our 1350VA model which I’ll send to you shortly.
Me: Ma’am, I think you’ve made an error.  Per your own warranty terms I’m entitled to a comparable replacement, which would be the 1500VA model.  I’m not responsible for price changes.

The benefits of acting like a septuagenarian strike again!  I’m somewhat screwed on every other appliance I own as I’ve performed nowhere near this level of documentation but today, I won.

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I got a computer virus today… from work.   I’m somewhat confident it wasn’t the other way around as my home computer recognized the infected autoexec.inf file on my thumb drive immediately and the worm it contained.  I did some checking and the infection is spread via thumb drives which probably came to me via the technician that performed a setup operation on a computer attached to a device to which I move files with a thumb drive.   That computer doesn’t even have web access, so I’m confident the technician had it on his drive which he picked up from someone whose browser window probably includes eight toolbars, the original install of AIM and a Bonzai Buddy.

I find it strangely satisfying that our expensive McAfee license was circumvented in that the virus was being spread by a computer technician who will then have to repeat his circuit to remove the damage he’s wrought.  There’s really no risk to the machines as the worm simply initiates a DDOS after contacting an IRC channel which isn’t accessible through works firewalls.  So in my head I have a picture of every computer at work knocking on the work firewall going “I can has payload?” and the router going “No 1 hear, go hoam” which probably slows web access.  A coworker recently said that there was no way the tech folks could slow web access anymore.  Looks like they’ve outdone themselves.

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I’ve been emailing a programmer back and forth regarding making a web page built into a processing program we use.  I considered the task foolish as web pages aren’t often designed with printing in mind and each browser renders tricky javascript and css differently.  He came up with a solution for Firefox, he came up with a solution for Chrome, but my boss told me it had to work with IE 6.  The programmer tried three or four fixes each of which failed due to IE6’s inadequacies and sensing his frustration I asked if I could call him.

Me: Hi, this is the fellow you’ve been working with regarding making pages printable in IE6.   Do you want to be done with this?
Him: Very much so.  I think this is a lost cause.  The setup was designed for neither IE6 nor printing and the number of changes required would number in the hundreds.
Me: Ok, the next email I send to you with a question simply reply “Sir, what you ask for can’t be done.  Please upgrade your install.” Got it?
Him: Yes.
Me: It’s be a pleasure working with you.
Him: Happy Holidays.

I wonder if one can be fired for colluding with tech support.

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Me: Hi, I’m having a problem with the CAD worker agent not starting properly.
Tech Agent: Ok, please open the console to the CAD worker console. Please hit the “start all” button and you should be done.
Me: I did.  The program immediately shuts off.
Tech Agent: Ok, please hit the “start all” button again.
Me: Done.  The program has immediately shut off.
Tech Agent: Ok, please hit the “start all button” again.
Me: It’s shut off again.  If you tell me to hit the “start all” button again I will scream.  Don’t you think the fact that the first three tries didn’t work suggests something else is wrong?
Tech Agent: Sometimes it takes a try or two before the program figures out what’s going on.
Me: Understood, are you the only technician for CAD worker support?
Tech Agent: No, I work in a group of five.
Me: Thank you, it worked magically.

I think I got the guy who thinks that jamming the elevator door button repeatedly makes it go faster or who patiently presses the crosswalk light for five minutes.  If I wait about five minutes, he’ll probably have another call so I’ll get one of his coworkers.  If that doesn’t work I’m use a British Accent and use the name of a coworker.

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I go through a lot of hardware from doing repairs for other people.  Frequently I’ll do a repair in exchange for the parts left over after an upgrade which has given me a smattering of RAM, small hard drives, a smattering of peripheral cards and enough cabling to safely repel El Capitan.  After a while I started jotting notes on sticky notes attached to the hardware to help sort through it and today was dumbfounded by one.  Someone had requested a hard drive and this was the conversation:

Him: Do you have a spare hard drive, mine died?
Me: Lemme see.   Yes, but there’s a note on it “HP NSFW”.  I can’t remember what it means.
Him: Well, do you think it’s safe?
Me: Maybe it was out a Hewlett-Packard mach…. oh, I remember.  I have a drive for you from someone whose system I upgraded but I need to warn you:  This drive may or not contain alarmingly hi-resolution slash fiction pictures of whom I’ve been told is a naked Daniel Radcliffe.
Him: Hm… one sec.  *Shouting*  Yeah, my girlfriend’s fine with that.

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My brother’s girlfriend’s sister’s computer wasn’t working  so I figured I’d give it a crack.  My standard test setup is a 20″ monitor, with a ps/2 keyboard and mouse which were useless as this computer had a DSUB 15 monitor connector and no ps/2 ports only USB.  I plugged in my spare G15 and MX518 and was able to boot into the BIOS and did some initial checks.  I then booted to Windows XP and was stymied by the keyboard and mouse not being recognized.  Well they were, but I needed to click the little button to let Windows load the appropriate drivers, which I couldn’t do, as I had no keyboard or mouse… until I clicked on that button, which I couldn’t.

I’m normally impressed with what I can only call the tenacity of Windows to create drivers out of bubblegum and tape to figure out something.  Sure it may cut your printing speed by a factor of 10 or your monitor will only show 4  colors but it works until you can get something done.  Today, that died…

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So, after yesterday’s incident I got thinking “why doesn’t this RAM work?”  I checked on-line and the RAM appeared compatible so I contacted their tech support who said the RAM I used was generically non-compatible.  I said this to a coworker who was curious of my methods:

Him: These are high-end machines, how do you know it meets the system minimums?
Me: The systems were top of the line years ago, now they’re nothing.
Him: But how do you know the RAM’s fast enough?
Me: The number on my RAM is higher.
Him: Well then, it’s confirmed: The iron law of technology “higher numbers are better” says so, IBM’s tech support is full of shit.

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Our work computers run up against a performance barrier when running newer versions of our CAD setup so I figured I’d bring in some RAM as a temporary measure.  I popped in the RAM and restarted and the computer ignored the new RAM.  I popped out previous RAM, sawing through layers of dust that saw George Bush re-elected and felt my adrenal glands swell to the size of golfballs as the the “OHNOES!” light went on after switching the DIMMs.  I popped the RAM out, returned the original stuff and the OHNOES!” light still stared at me.  I unplugged the computer, plugged it back in again and the light was still there.  I blew out some dust and the light remained.

Knowing I’d be decapitated if I just admitted failure, I did the only think I could do: I poked the light.  I cycled power again and the “OHNOES!” light was replace with the “OHAI!” light.  There was much rejoicing.

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Today was the day of the great computer migration where we’d switch from Novell to Windows.  The migration was a failurepile inside of a sadnessbowl but the thing that really got me the fact that they took my f*%@ing network cable.  Really?  You had to take my 3′ cable and replace it with a 50′ one?  I could take the slack of my cable, kick out the window and repel to the first f*cking floor with it.  That’s re-effing-diculous.  Then, when I ask, you tell me it’s because of the migration?  I’ve met simpleton mutes who made sense than that.  How did we get the Keystone Cops of tech support to do this?  Then you tell me I can have a static IP but it’ll change periodically?  Then it’s not f*&$ing static is it! Gha….

I’d tell the story of them holding up the migration on a coworker because they didn’t know what network port on the wall he used.  There’s two, one about six inches from his computer and another that’s visible from his desk only via periscoping binoculars. Guess.