I received a note of good news during the work day, well above what I thought I would, and I yelled “Action dinosaur with hat!” a favorite phrase of mine. At that moment, the Hispanic fellow from housekeeping was coming through and looked at me as I yelled that line.
Him: ¿Que?
Me: Dinosario de accion con sombrero.
Him: *stares at me* Si, señor. *Resumes collecting garbage*
My failures with Spanish are well documented. Today I had a spectacular burst of competence and was able to convey an idea clearly:
Me: Señor, hay un problema.
Housekeeping: ¿Qué es?
Me: Creo que hay un problema con el orinal.
Housekeeping: Hm… ¿Puede ser más especÃfico?
Me: SÃ, hay agua en el suelo. Creo que el drenaje se rompió.
Translated into English:
Me: There is a problem.
Housekeeping: What is it?
Me: I believe there’s a problem with the urinal.
Housekeeping: Can you be more specific?
Me: Yes, there’s water on the floor. I think the drain’s broke.
Order food? Nope. Describe my vacation? Nope. Talk about pop culture? Nope. Describe in what matter a toilet fixture is broken? Hell yes.
The battery to my laptop came with a warning sheet that repeated the same six warnings in 10 languages about how to dispose of it properly, not light it on fire, don’t drink out of it and so on. I thought these warnings would be the same for each language and my passing familiarity with French and profound ability to butcher Spanish confirmed my thoughts until I turned the reference card over. The notes for Korean had 12 statements and traditional and simplified Chinese which each had four. The counts were noted as each caution was marked with Arab numerals.
I wonder if the Koreans are overly cautious or just use smaller rulers or that the Chinese are either more direct or dismissive of numbers greater than four.
I cleaned out a dusty closet with a floor covered in drop-down ceiling pieces and grabbed a broom from housekeeping. After sweeping I tried returning it but a member of housekeeping was in the storage area and gave me a quizzical look. So, I did what I always do in these cases: I butcher the language of Cervantes.
In Spanish: Yo necesitaba una escoba para poder cortar el piso de las heces de techo.
In English: I needed your broom so I could mow the floor of ceiling feces.
I cleaned out a dusty closet with a floor covered in drop-down ceiling pieces and grabbed a broom from housekeeping. After sweeping I tried returning it but a member of housekeeping was in the storage area and gave me a quizzical look. So, I did what I always do in these cases: I butcher the language of Cervantes.
In Spanish: Yo necesitaba una escoba para poder cortar el piso de las heces de techo.
In English: I needed your broom so I could mow the floor of ceiling feces.
Literal translation from conversation with housekeeping:
Him: Why do you not bring in cake?
Me: I have broken my kitchen.
Him: What part?
Me: The box that heats things.
Him: The microwave?
Me: No, the box that heats things that is not the microwave.
Him: The toaster?
Me: No, the box that heats thing that is not the toaster.
Him: The microwave?
Me: When I fix my heat box I will prepare a cake the size of the Fat Lady.
Him: Good *thumbs up*
I’ve been speaking with the Hispanic custodian around lunch every day, and most of our conversations center on trivial things as I really don’t know enough Spanish to ask him his opinions of Hegelian dialectics, but for about the last month, he’s brought up the same damn topic every day: Do I like the taste of cats. I haven’t been able to switch the topic so every day we’ve talked about various cat sandwich toppings as I’m conversant in Spanish food.
Until today, where he pointed at the window at a woman walking past a car. And asked “So, what do you think of my (word I couldn’t identify)?” I had no clue as to whether he was talking about the woman or the car. Both were quite… well… warn “played” in the vernacular of card condition so I had to find impartial responses that could apply to both, how long have you known each other, is it better than your last one and are you having fun with it. I hope we return to discussing eating cats shortly because I insult his girlfriend or more dangerously, his car.
I ran into a hispanic member of housekeeping today that I hadn’t seem in a year or two and was reminded of one of my greatest moments of translingual butchery: Â I was attempting to tell him to use a specific power outlet to attach the floor buffer as it overloaded the circuit and shut down down the computer on the line, after a few attempts, this is what I said translated back into English from Spanish “When you attack the floor with bee shit, do not use this electricity faucet”.
My brother has recently taken a fancy to scented candles. Â Today I noticed the one burning was Apple Pie and noticed the below the title the label said “Pie de manzana” which I assume is Spanish. Â Literally translated, this comes out to “apple foot”, a condition I’d rather not smell in candle form.