I had my first chewing out today.
Boss: Terry, can you step into my office?
Me: Yep.
Boss: You said to tell you if I felt you were letting me down or not fitting in. Something has come to my attention that we need to fix immediately.
Me: *heart pounding* What is it?
Boss: I don’t know how to say this, but I need you to wear leather shoes. Those sneakers are nice but they just aren’t up to snuff, I’m sorry.
Me: Will do.
Whew.
I had my previous pair of sandals for at least six years which is a personal record for shoe ownership. Most of my clothing has about 1/2 to a 1/3 of the lifetime of other people’s in that I don’t have any regular-wear clothing that’s older than 3 years mostly due to my chronic inability to act my size. Additionally, clothing technology doesn’t really move at a pace that one really notices it from item to item in the same way as from say car to car or phone to phone but my shoe purchase interval in this case was enough. I usually buy the 4th lowest price item that came in my size of 14D and in the style I wanted, which is non-fisherman (open toe) and not a flip-flop. I was very happy with what I got as it contained 3 technological leaps that I just didn’t expect.
1) That stretchy zip-tie lace-up method thingy
2) A second side support to prevent blow-out
3) Some sort of nanoparticle-laced uber-sole that absorbs footsweat without getting icky.
Any of these would make me the envy of the subjects of King Herod or any Roman Centurion, but combined I’m at least on par with what the Olmecs or even the Rapa Nui could expect. Your next, Mesopotamians!
A gift I wanted to get the family for Christmas was the PedPod. It featured the requisite ridiculous commercial to show its efficacy over normal foot shaping devices and after overcoming my apprehension at purchasing something that looks like one plants to get a child rapist promptly realized how dumb it was and got my loved ones useful gifts. In a spate of fate my brother received what I can only call a foot file which looks like the illegitimate stepchild of a hairbrush and a cheese grater. I used the device and began chiseling/grating away years of dead podiatric cells when I stopped and decided to empty it and was greeted with a pile of snow that could have been confused for primo Columbia blow. After completing this fill/empty/shudder cycle about three times I started hitting non-dead cells, stopped and stood up where I promptly fell over. Apparently, my callouses had become structural and over the last couple hours have had to lean forward slightly to keep balance. I hope I don’t encounter any headwinds while walking.