Mom: How’s Terry taking to unemployment?
Dad: He keeps weird hours now and is poorly shaven.
Mom: That is in no way a change.
Tag: mom
Mom on Babies
We visited the hospital to see Ryan and Amanda today and my mother had an exchange with a nurse.
Mom: Where’s the nursery?
Nurse: we don’t have a public one.
Mom: Why not, where are the babies?
Nurse: with… their… mothers.
Mom: The mothers need their rest, they’ll have the rest of their lives with their children.
Love you, mom.
Work Arounds
Mom: I’m having a problem with my laptop.
Me: What’s wrong?
Mom: Something with the keyboard.
Me: Can you be more specific?
Mom: The B and I keys don’t work.
Me: They don’t work?
Mom: No, nothing happens when I hit the keys.
Me: Have you just not used it?
Mom: I do. I just, work around it.
How do you work around missing two very useful keys? I checked emails from my mother over the past few days and they contained the letters B and I. When she brought the laptop over later that day, she indeed did not have a functional B or I key. Go, mom.
Fake Gift
My mother said she wanted a Kindle for Christmas and I chose to be the good son and give her mine which I’d hardly used. I wanted the device to function out of the box (which I’m glad I kept), so I wiped my stuff from it, deactivated it, and contacted my mom to get her Amazon login.
Me: Mom.
Mom: Yes.
Me: Give me your Amazon login info.
Mom: Why?
Me: It’s a secret.
Mom: Ok (gives info)>
Me: Thanks. You won’t regret it, probably. *hangs up*
I registered the Kindle to my mother’s account and then purchased for her a few Kindle editions of books she had mentioned she wanted to read. I was going to win Christmas, until my mom called.
Me: Terry Robinson.
Mom: I just received a bunch of emails from Amazon saying I had bought books for something called a “Kindle” do you know what that’s about?
Me: Yeah, that was me. *Thinking quickly* They’re part of your Christmas gift, you should also be receiving an email shortly for a gift card in the amount of the cost of those books.
Mom: Oh, that’s so nice.
Since I had purchased the e-books from the Kindle that was then attached to my mom’s account they were billed to her account. In effect, I had billed my mother for her own Christmas gift. I hope the gift card covers that oversight. Good job, Terry.
Mother’s Visit
My mother came by to do some task to fill time in the day and we began with a back-and-forth regarding a set of full size bedding she’d given me which I asked her to take back. This ended with “but one day, you’ll need them” and I replied “and on that day, I’ll buy them”. The difference between a hoard and stockpile seems only to be creativity and I’m a bit too inventive for my own good sometimes. Later, she asked to see the pictures I had taken during Christmas at her house and we had a bit of a back and forth. She seemed to be under the impression that the camera out of the box was the biggest determiner of photo quality.
Me: *changing white balance*
Mom: Why are the colors different now?
Me: I adjusted the white balance, lights have different colors and what we see as white rarely is.
Mom: Is that why indoor pictures all look yellow?
Me: Yes. Now I’m adjusting the clarity on the picture of your sister.
Mom: Why would you do that?
Me: Negative clarity tends to clear up the skin a bit. Otherwise everyone looks like they’re 80.
Mom: That seems like you’re changing the picture, that’s not what it really looked like.
Me: I can use a similar process to reduce the wrinkles around your eyes.
Mom: Ooh, that is nice.
For Valentine’s Day give your lady the greatest gift of all: A photo with selective softening in areas where a line-detection algorithm notes high contrast surrounded by an area of low contrast.
Cult of Mac Spreads
Dad: Mom wants a laptop like mine.
Me: Ok, I can find another.
Dad: I was thinking of getting something with a touch screen. I don’t really like the keyboard thing. I see ads for some pad computer that looks sharp.
Me: You want an iPad?
Dad: I think, I’ve got to try another thing.
Me: I did not pay the Internet bill for the last 8 years so you could waltz in with your fancy tablet like you own the god damn Internet. If you’re going to learn how to use a computer, you’re going to use a big boy computer and unless you plan on also getting an espresso machine and a pair of Birkenstocks, you’re not going to get an iPad.
Dad: If I get one, I’ll give you my laptop so you can give it to mom as a Christmas gift and avoid asking her what she wants.
Me: Deal.
Sometimes my dad is a latter-day Kissinger.
Like a Teenager
My parents divorced a few years ago and the response was a sigh of relief after the acrimony of what had been a five year separation process. My father stopped celebrating anniversaries, exchanging gifts for birthdays, and writing Christmas cards as two lives had become neatly separated but recently, my parents have been spending time together, I think out of entirely practical reasons. My father’s friends are slowly being picked off and my mother’s are rather static so they’re going out to eat, seeing museums, going to parks and other date-y things that drive my brother and I mad. Today, I asked my father what he was up to and he said he was going across the street to use some piece of diagnostic equipment our neighbor had. Later that day, I had car trouble and asked him “how’s the shop?” he replied “fine” but I distinctly heard my mother’s parrot in the background. I asked him if he was at my mom’s house and he said “maybe” and started giggling.
What kind of world are we living in where one’s dad can freely date one’s mom? That’s just weird.
Getting Out More
I’m aware of my parents limited social activity. My dad spends a lot of time watching television and my mother spends a lot of time at home with her cockatoo reading. This became painfully obvious when I took my mother out to breakfast and on the way out, an African American child of about four broke from his family, scampered over to the door and opened it for her. She walked past the child and said “good boy” as to a border collie having completed a backflip. Her voice slowed towards the end as she immediately realized what she had just said.
Me: Mom, you just…
Mom: Yeah, I know.
Me: You almost patted his head.
Mom: What are the odds that it’d be a black kid?
Me: The luck of the Irish.
Learning Pains
I have a new rule when it comes to my mother and tech support: she must make a good-faith effort to fix the problem. She called me with speaker issues and I asked “did you try to fix it?” she replied “yes, I traced all the cables from the speakers and they’re connected”. I went to her house, looked at the back of the speaker and saw the power cord was unplugged. I politely informed my mother and she immediately stormed about the house loudly proclaiming her own foolishness. Most would consider this bad but I saw progress: A few short months ago she wouldn’t have considered a device not having power a reason for it to not operate.
Parents, they grow up so fast.
Christmas Suggestions Miscommunication
My mother wanted to know what I wanted for Christmas. I asked for a 1/2 sheet pan-sized sealable carrier to which she responded “I love those”. My mother doesn’t bake and I don’t think she has used a 1/2 sheet pan since a failed 5th grade attempt to bring in sugar cookies for a Christmas party.
My father went to her house to drop something off and I had him do some recon. So instead of this:
1/2 Sheet Pan Carrier, yeah!
I’m getting this:
Cake Mold Seized from Carthage, boo!
Well at least I can make bundt cakes appropriate for Vikings.