Three years ago I replaced the incandescent 150 watt bulbs in my office with 150 watt-equivalent fluorescent bulbs and hated the light. I replaced them later with “natural light” bulbs that transmit a broader spectrum than your standard CFL and could blind you at 100 yards as you drove up the driveway. Today, my father replaced our dead floodlight with a bulb of a similar spectrum and it’s changed the house. Everything in our driveway looks really small as the light looks like it’s coming from a desk lamp. Bugs don’t circle it probably because they’ve been blinded by its full spectrum. Even our dog Max is slightly confused. We’ll let him out and he’ll look around tentatively before tinkling probably thinking he’s still inside, missing the forceful yellow of the sodium vapor bulb. He’ll adjust eventually, and probably take dump on the green carpet of my room. Life goes on.
Tag: Max
30 Minutes of Commercials
I don’t watch much television, so when I do (I was baking), all the commercials are new to me. Observations:
- Why is Thor in The Hulk vs. Thor cartoon speaking Medieval English rather than either Middle English or contemporary English? The guy he inhabits was born in the 60s and Thor was last worshipped around 1200.
- Buzz Ballads offers RUSH delivery. I suppose for a small fee it’s dropped off by Geddy Lee.
- The latest issue of Reader’s Digest has “Secret Tips to a Healthy Heart”, I’ve read them, I can’t wait to cash in as a cardiologist dispensing “10 Life Extending Facts That’d Be Immediately Obvious to a Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child Raised by Tak-!Sung Tribesmen”
- I was so thunderstruck by the idiocy of the Cash 4 Gold commercial (does anyone notice that the foundry worker is covered in prison tattoos?) that I missed our dog Max eating one of my silicone baking mats. I’ve heard chocolate can kill dogs, how about silicone? It certainly didn’t hurt my brother.
- There are over 200 types of dwarfism.
Know Thy Sock
Kyle: Wow, I think I know why Max goes after Amanda’s iradescent green sock. He sees in black and white, and what ever that hideous color is. You must get tired of that crap being left around by your brother’s girlfriend.
Me: That’s my sock, and don’t bad mouth them until you know their glory.
Bag, definitely bag
I went out for ribs with my mother and was a bit overdressed for the “Duck Deli” as I had come straight from work. The ribs were a bit fatty and I knew Max (our dog) would love it so I asked for a doggie bag. The server looked at me quizzically so I repeated the request calling it a meat shrapnel bag and she nodded her head. The server returned with a paper-fucking-bag. So, I did what anyone in my position would do: I loaded the meat into the bag and poured the dipping butter for the hush puppies on top for good measure. As the bag became saturated I began putting the bag on the chairs leaving nice butter marks and whipped my mouth with the curtains on the way out. As the bag neared breaking I asked for another bag and got a 10 gallon trash bag. This is my new favorite restaurant.
Dead Dog Dress
Max is dead… Well, at least the first one. He’s still in a shrink-wrapped cardboard box above the defunct fireplace in the pool room along with his collar. When we got Max II, we got him a new collar as well, the other one was being employed en memoriam.
Well, Max II lost his collar and besides looking naked, he was both silent and sad as I imagine the collar is the dog hybrid of a wallet and wardrobe.  Max I’s collar has been pressed into service and I wonder if Max II minds. He can probably smell other dog on it along with the slight smell of macabre leather and mold. We had to let out the collar a little as Max II was either larger or thicker necked and I’m still getting used to the different tintinnabulations of the 1994 rabies shot and the tags from UPenn when Max I had Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. I feel kinda bad about the whole thing, when we reused the dog bowls that’s like heirloom china, but reusing the collar seems like I’m trying to get runs out of a headstone.
Crumb-B-gone
The advantage to eating while on a treadmill is that crumbs on the track are quickly dropped on the floor where they form a nice pile that my dog Max sucks up like our Dyson.
A ball full of peanut butter helps the Levaquin go down
My lampshaded dog must take antibiotics twice a day and recently I’ve been rolling the pills into cheese singles and feeding Max thusly. Â Today I ran out of cheese and instead made a 1/2″ ball of peanut butter with a juicy Levaquin core. Â This worked well for his morning dose so I reckoned it’d be fine for the evening. Â Well, Max initially licked it up and it fell to the end of his cone as a lump, in an attempt to lick it he ran his lampshade against the oven door and dislodged the ball onto the door. Â Not to be deterred, he licked the door of the oven clean of peanut butter and after a flash of discovery continued to remove the dried gravy my brother spilled from yesterday’s ham.
Doggy cone of privacy
Max has overcome the effects of the sedative triumphantly but is still adjusting to life with a lampshade on his head.  He’s mastered picking objects off the floor for the most part by simply hovering over them and pushing his head straight down.  The cone thus creates a dome of  privacy over whatever he has captured so the cat may not interfere.  I don’t think he quite knows what’s going on and I’m waiting for him to partially drown the cat by jamming his cone over his water bowl while the cat is drinking.
Doggy cone of privacy
Max has overcome the effects of the sedative triumphantly but is still adjusting to life with a lampshade on his head.  He’s mastered picking objects off the floor for the most part by simply hovering over them and pushing his head straight down.  The cone thus creates a dome of  privacy over whatever he has captured so the cat may not interfere.  I don’t think he quite knows what’s going on and I’m waiting for him to partially drown the cat by jamming his cone over his water bowl while the cat is drinking.
Lean wiener dog loses weight to become fat wiener dog
Our dog, Max, went in today to remove a lump on his leg and to have a giant blood blister removed from his ear. Â While waiting for the post-op pick-up I saw on the wall a chart of dog silhouettes on chart to help determine if your dog was overweight. Â The dogs on the chart were divided into four sizes: Â Large, medium, small and wiener dogs. Â After puzzling over it for about 2 minutes I’m pretty sure the pictures for the skinny, lean and fat wiener dog were the same picture.