For Christmas my brother got me a number of cooking implements that, while nice, I already owned.  One of them was a “meat tenderizer” that more accurately was a home entry deterent based on its mace-like size and faces.  In fact, if my atlatl failed me during a home invasion, this tool would be my back-up.  Anyway, I bringing it into Macy’s and after saying I want to make a return, I lift the tenderizer out of the bag quickly and raise it above my head in a somewhat grand gesture to which the store clerk flinches and recoils in fear/awe.  He then asks if I’d like to make an exchange and I indicate I’m looking for a 10″ offset spatula.  We go to the kitchen tools department and I see a display of these protein-toughness banishers and other feudalesque mockeries of kitchen implements with a sign above it that says “Housewares”.  I want to break in a replace the sign with “Armory”.