by ·0 Comments

The Worldwake Pre-release is tomorrow and the questions have started.  Most involved the new mechanic called “multi-kicker” and the seemingly odd wording of some cards.   Normally I walk the player through the thought process of how the mechanic works to help the player reach the appropriate conclusion.  This tends to be somewhat trying but the results save me many questions later.  I met my match tonight when a player having seen my normal method preempted my attempts at a guiding explanation with “I’m old, tell me how to play the card”.

Well then.

by ·15 Comments

It’s been 20 months since I’ve judged a DCI event that wasn’t Friday Night Magic so before jumping back in the saddle I decided to audit an event to see what I remembered. Some things came flooding back immediately:

  • 90% of questions consist of the following: what time is it, do I have enough time to do x, and where’s the bathroom.  Players are somehow still angered when you lack the ability to accurately estimate how long it will take them to pinch a loaf, down a cigarette, get food, or have a quickie.
  • The other 10% of questions regard ridiculous hypothetical scenarios consisting of game or tournament events unlikely to occur before the heat-death of the universe.  “If I have 7 of this one good rare card in play during a Rochester draft…”
  • 1/2 of all rules questions can answered by reading directly off of the card.  “Lightning Bolt deals 3 damage”
  • 1/4 of all rules questions can be answered by pointing out how the scenario the player proposed is impossible. “Sir, you can’t attack enchantments with lands, normally.”
  • One can vindicate one’s poor performance in the main event by repeatedly losing in booster drafts and 8-man-for-a-box tournaments.
  • Level 1 judges still think that the word “should” exists.  Maybe for normal people it does, but tournament judges either tell a player to do something or not do something.  The police don’t ask the public to “refrain from stabbing people”.
  • Players who narrowly miss the top 8 cut can make it up by being really intrusive during the quarter-finals so when observers take pictures it looks like the scrubbed player matters.
  • Providing a pseudocelebrity or pro with a homemade cookies gives the giver license to ask any ridiculous question one wants.

It felt good to be back.  I still contend I have more fun judging than most players do playing.

by ·6 Comments

Surgeon General Warning: This post is largely self-aggrandizing.  Skip to the previous post to hear about my brother’s pr()n habits.

I’ve windmill slammed my phone, again. Everything appeared fine until the alarm didn’t go off.  Well, it did but produced no sound.  I thought I may have just missed it so I set it for 10 minutes and slept for an extra two hours until the stroke of 10:30.  As a final check, I set the timer for 3 seconds and when done heard nothing.  Hm…  until I get it fixed, I’ll have to put it in my pocket with enough change so it’ll jingle.

I get to work in time to miss lunch with coworkers and discover that I have until the stroke of midnight to relearn the rules of Magic and pass the L2 Recertification exam.  I started scanning like it was my job, which it is, using the time while documents were going through the ADF to figure out the interaction of continuous effects and re-read the penalty guidelines while taking bathroom breaks.  Wizards.com, and most Magic sites are blocked at work as “games” so I prepared by repeatedly hitting the “random” button on magiccards.info.  I needed an 80% to pass, took a practice exam got a 67%, cried a little, and started the main exam.  119 minutes and 41 seconds into the 2 hour exam I hit the submit button. I got a 90%.  This is the statistical analog of a dog winning “The Weakest Link” because everyone just overlooked him or my brother passing a breathalyzer test because a muon arced some logic chip.  Ignoring the CONFIDENTIAL note at the top I printed it out and placed it proudly on fridge.  I celebrated with the materials on hand and liberally applied butter cream frosting to a freezer-burnt chocolate waffle.  It didn’t taste quite right so I washed it down with the last of the Sparkling Apple Cider left over from New Years.

I hear to get L3 I have to beat an existing L3 in ritual combat and consume their brain to gain their understanding of copying effects and 2HG rules.  I recognize this post is largely me congratulating myself but there was no one awake for me to scream to except the now very confused players on my Team Fortress 2 team.

by ·3 Comments

I woke up at 8:20, prepared myself for a day of pre-release and left Totem Lodge at 8:40.  I drove to Wawa for two Turkey Sausage bagels, a strawberry milk, and a gallon bottle of water.  I drove another 15 minutes and arrived at the tournament venue when a terrible sense of wrongness overcame me: It was 8:55 on the morning of a pre-release and I was still in my car.  Normally, by then, I’d woken up at 5:30 AM, reviewed the current set’s FAQ while on the 6:04 AM train with people who didn’t realize the event wouldn’t open until 8:00 AM.

The TO brought pizza and I was done by 4:00 PM.  Being used to days at Magic Tournaments that’d scare a 19th century coal miner I couldn’t accept payment.  I didn’t run a pre-release I ran a large FNM followed by a booster draft.

by ·0 Comments

Today I judged at a GP. I hate GPs, they’re as close to working in a Pennsylvania Coal Mine in the 1870s as I get with 18 hour days on my feet, repeating the same series of actions over and over again.  I missed the new staff member tryout for it so I wanted to compare judging to being a staff member at Ockanickon and found some amazing similarities.

Factor Judging Scout Camp Winner
Dumb Uniform X-Zebra Stripes X-Khaki Class A Tie
Knowing Byzantine Rules X-Comprehensive Rules X-Guide to Safe Scouting Tie
Dealing with dumb kids with dumb parents X-JSS Judging X-Every shit 12-year old going for Eagle Tie
Horrible Work Hours X-16hr Grand Prix X-36 hour days due to norovirus Tie
Contact with Women X-Ugly players or mothers X-Ugly Venturers or mothers Tie
Dick Leadership X-Scott Larabee X-Dave Hasel Tie
Sense of achievement at improving America’s moral fiber X Scouting
Ability to curse and tell dirty jokes X Judging

Hm… Ability to curse versus sense of achievement at helping America’s youth, that’s a close one.

by ·0 Comments

For the first time in like 8 months I judged a PTQ for PT: Hollywood.  Pro Tour Qualifiers are events at which Magic players can qualify for invitation-only events. PTQs are interesting events in that there’s a confusing mix of n00bs, semi-pros and absolute pricks.  The event was held in a church basement and it was nice juxtaposition of seeing cards like Ghastly Demise and the cadaver-eating Ichorid against a background of “Opening the Door to the House of the Lord” or “Praying So God Can Hear You”.

I semi-blew a call round 1 where there was a mutual failure to communicate, but it had to involve a player that calls “Judge” if his opponent sneezes.  After the fact, I heard some creative re-tellings of what happened involving me slapping someone and flying salmon.  On the plus side, the combination of cramped space and sweaty unbathed men usually results in a stinky venue by round 2, this place didn’t smell until clear into round 4.  The church kids are probably in for an aromatic treat on Monday.  We also had to announce during the day that men should not go into the Women’s Room.  Later, the Men’s room floor was replaced by Lake Tinkle and players started bragging about how far back they could be and still hit the puck, now I know how lakes expand.

The final note of the day was my attempt at using the Broken Window Theory for trash collection.  Normally, trash is picked up when it hits a critical amount, but today I was much more aggressive thinking that the presence of trash promotes dropping shit.  I have theorized that Magic players and campers have a gland that produces trash but I’ve not confirmed this.  Anyway, this worked great until the 5th round when I took my lunch break.  When I returned, there were mounds of pack wrappers and I think I saw a tumbleweed made out of crap commons.  It worked for a while, at least.