Kyle Anderson and I have been trying to re-unite a bit more often than before and after our first failed attempt to go skating we checked the schedule for Grundy Arena and tried there again. Â The parking lot was full (good sign) and people were walking (better sign) so we confidently strode in. Â There was no person at the ticket booth (bad sign) and the pro shop was closed (worse sign) and we were surrounded by gaggles of 7-11 year old girls dressed like figure skating stars. Â Kyle noted that we probably looked very out of place as two men in their late 20s and I replied that everyone seemed so self-absorbed that we didn’t need to worry. Â We had missed again but now know what pedophile heaven looks like.
Tag: ice skating
Ice Planting
Randy, Kelly, Kacey, and I went ice skating at Grundy Arena in Bristol this afternoon. Â The rink was poorly attended having less than a half dozen other skaters but with the caveat that the skate shop only had figure skates available for rent. Â I put on my size 13 foot shivs and ventured out to the ice. Â Things were going well at first until Kacey and Kelly and Randy and I paired off. Â The ladies continued at the same speed and chatted while Randy and I lubricated our skates with testosterone and started speeding up. Â I was going along well until I heard a grating noise and found myself face first on the ice. Â I learned two things in this moment:
1) If I don’t bring down my foot correctly, the toe pick catches the ice and I fall.
2) Falling face forward is almost fun compared to the pain of ass planting.
Randy did something similar during his next lap and for the next hour we took turns face planting and yelling “fucking toe pick”. Â My favorite such exchange was me falling while trying to emulate the skating style of someone and Randy then falling when laughing at me.
Asymptotically Approaching Competence
The first time I went ice skating I fell twice. The next time, I fell once. Today, I didn’t fall but did a questionable arm flail and stopped myself from falling by gripping the side of the rink, a half fall. At this rate, I’ll reach homeopathic levels of falling after a few dozen more times out.
Skating With Coworkers
The Mercer County Ice Center is a semi-outdoor (it’s in a barn-ish structure) rink that offers five hour skating windows for $10. My lab monkey cohorts and I went there today over a long lunch break.
Joe had skated a few times prior and is generally good at things. Everett had a lot of experience with roller hockey and was able to go quite fast but lacked a certain grace in stopping. He’s a ginger and wore a pea coat with his brown trousers and looked like an English school boy on holiday as he’d dash at some ridiculous speed during a straight section and then arc into the rink wall. Finally, Carl was the pro of the group having a decade of hockey experience under him. He was wobbly at first but quickly was literally skating circles around me.
I ass-planted once, on the exact same spot I had ass-planted before and I took a moment to let the ice numb the area before rising. My back was wet. I returned to the benches at the end of the session and had a message from my boss.
Him: Any injuries?
Me: Yes.
Him: Will you all be back to work this afternoon?
Me: Yes.
Him: Glad it went well then.
First Time Ice Skating
A friend indicated she wished to go ice skating, and I, not wishing to look like an idiot, immediately took on myself the task of gathering as much skating experience as I could muster. Mike and Kacey offered to take me skating and we went to IceWorks in Aston, Pa for me to lose my skate-ginity.
The first step was getting skates. Since I normally wear a size 14-15 shoe and was told to get snug skates, I got a pair of size 14 skates that appeared to be made out of Caribou leather and bone. Lacking a jackhammer or marlinspike, I forced them onto my feet as best I could and made my way onto the ice. At this point, I didn’t know how one was supposed to skate but having one’s ankles canted at 45 degree angles didn’t seem like the right way. I made a lap and felt like my ankles were on fire so I got another pair of skates, this time a size down. Somehow these went on much easier and I began ice-walking with enough sucess that Mike mocked me for ice-walking instead of ice-skating. Thanks, Mike.
After my second through fourth lap, I gained the ability to glide for very, very short distances, and having already fallen (my first fear) got to face my second: Being terrified of cutting a child in half. I see it perfectly in my mind’s eye, I’m gracefully gliding, possibly looking over my shoulder giving someone a devil-may-care smile when an innocent child reachs for his or her mother, falls, and descends to the ice. I look forward, see him or her, and not being able to stop, cleft the youth in twain and become the Solomon of the ice.
After a few more laps, I felt that I could go short distances without staring at my feet and for about 30 feet of every lap could talk with Mike or Kacey as they passed. During one such lap, a child fell in front of me. Knowing I couldn’t stop in time, I attempted to stear around, and did, so much so that I was now going backwards. In my attempt to face forward, I fell and fell hard. I stayed on the ice for a moment and was able to make out the outline of my keys, fitbit, knife, and change in my pocket in screaming pain receptors and learned quickly that there’s no reason to bring yours keys with you onto the ice.
I hurt, my Fitbit was shattered, my pants and shirt were wet, but today, I killed no children. Victory.