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I dropped a ketchup packet, and then stepped on it.  This wouldn’t be unremarkeable except for that this was the first time I’ve ever taken a ketchup packet from the cafeteria and for its aftermath.  I stepped on it perfectly such that it didn’t just break but that each side blew completely, it sounded like a gun shot.  The guy down the hall from me ducked.  It splashed off the wall.  I assumed ketchup was too viscous to richochet off both the floor and wall to land on my pants; I was wrong.  I assumed that a single ketchup packet could not create a ring of tomato paste and vinegar that could be perfectly mapped out four feet from the blast site; I was wrong.  I thought no one had heard it and would immediately couple a bang and clumsy fat man with a horrible condiment accident; I was wrong.

Come to think of it, I don’t know what happened to the packet itself.  Hm….

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I dropped a ketchup packet, and then stepped on it.  This wouldn’t be unremarkeable except for that this was the first time I’ve ever taken a ketchup packet from the cafeteria and for its aftermath.  I stepped on it perfectly such that it didn’t just break but that each side blew completely, it sounded like a gun shot.  The guy down the hall from me ducked.  It splashed off the wall.  I assumed ketchup was too viscous to richochet off both the floor and wall to land on my pants; I was wrong.  I assumed that a single ketchup packet could not create a ring of tomato paste and vinegar that could be perfectly mapped out four feet from the blast site; I was wrong.  I thought no one had heard it and would immediately couple a bang and clumsy fat man with a horrible condiment accident; I was wrong.

Come to think of it, I don’t know what happened to the packet itself.  Hm….

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There were a lot of streaks on the floor today from someone’s shoes, I asked and the co-worker I recently can’t stand cut in with the following:

Him: They’re probably yours.  You’re so fat you can’t help but leave shoe marks.  It’s ok, Terry.

The oddity was, that immediately before he said this, another coworker admitted that she had streaky shoes but he decided to advance his theory any way.  I look forward to more of his awkward and idiotic claims about the influence of my carriage on the surrounding environs.

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For years I’ve champions a more triumphant form of obesity than most.  Leveraging my heft and carriage for good rather that evil.  Today, though I reached a barrier that the fat/muscle scale shifted too far towards the latter.  I had a rash because of soap that got caught in my dunlop.  I’ve become a bad example for impressionable fat people.  For the future of America’s fat youth, I must retain my mantle as being gloriously fat rather than slovenly fat.  Once I finish my chocolate chicken pot pie.

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The freezer at work is continually shrinking due to the steady encroachment of idiocy and icing.  There’s an obese woman the hoards diet freezer pops and the frost has extended to the point that I can barely squeeze in an ice tray where once I had three.

The power went out at some point last night for four or five hours and the fridge died in the process. when I got in this morning my ice had melted, even though the freezer frost was completely untouched and possibly bigger, in clear violation of the second law of thermodynamics.  I was angry and pouty over my lost ice until a fat-laden voice bellowed “my health bars!”

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Every day I take the train I return on the 4:00 PM R3 and there is a morbidly obese women that sits at the train station and reads trashy romance novels.  Today, I returned from taking a final and in her place I saw two women with the same color hair sitting in the spot of the obese women and I thought to myself “Oh my God, she’s gotten so big she’s finally divided!”