Driving to Saskatoon was fast and clear cruising at 110-120 KPH under a cloudless sky.  I stopped for fuel in Alberta, the most oil rich province and topped up with gas at a mere 0.835 a liter.  I noticed along the way that a lot of the intersecting roads were unpaved and proof came in the dust and grime cemented on the other cars at the gas station which was thick enough that I couldn’t read their license plates.  The road was lined with what I’ll simply call farmland despite being largely filled with grass heads of cattle that seemed distributed by hot air balloon.  Saskatoon itself was unremarkable and the clustered housing reminded me of a thousand other such ones I’d driven through, by, or in as part of my loop of the Anglo sphere of influence in the West.

I arrived at my host’s house shortly before dinner and was greeted by a well prepared spread that would have made Good Housekeeping proud.  Devin/Devmon’s parents and I talked for probably about two and half hours about the quirks and machinations of both American and Canadian politics with us each asking simple but tricky questions that only kids normally ask when exposed to a new magisteria of creation.  Mine being “so, what’s up with Quebec” and my host’s being “So, what’s New Jersey”.  I wonder if the latter was spawned by the caliber or content of American cultural export or more of a realization that the state as an administrative district is rather distinct from the state as a cultural one.

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Devon, in the pose that marks both his and mine generations

Devon and I played some quality TF2 where I resumed a more bombastic persona that I hope didn’t unwind to comity I had with my hosts.  I can sometimes yell inappropriate things.

I left a bit before midnight and the last light of day was still lingering which returned before 4 AM as I shot towards the US.  My plan was to stay overnight in the US as Canada doesn’t seem to have the $40 hotel room that Motel 6 has led me to expect.  I crossed the border and again had my vehicle searched although this time half-heartedly and I searched my again-functioning GPS for a motel.  I found one… 120 miles aways in Minot, North Dakota. Grr….

As I drove across North Dakota seeing the opalescent dawn blow color across the dimpled and hill-spotted terrain, I had my first moment where I silenced my inner photo taker.  The landscape was beautiful, and under almost any other circumstances, I’d have stopped for easily a half hour soaking up the land and its secrets but this was overpowered by my brain’s demand for sleep.

I stumbled into a Days Inn nearly dozing off at the front desk and I requested a room for the day.  The desk attendant obliged my request for a room I could occupy until about 3 PM and another war began in my head between the part that demanded sleep and the part that was outraged by a $100 fee for the night.  The cheap part won and I drove to a KOA, set up my tent in a blur, and slammed $22 into the overnight registration box and went to bed.

The drive from Surrey to Invermere was long, clocking in at about 10 hours, but it gave me a chance to soak in at least a portion of Canada.  The differences were small but pervasive such as getting used to KPH and dollars per liter as standard vehicle notions.  But there were more:

  • Bridges said “slippery when frosty” instead of “bridge may be icy”
  • The little guy that indicated there was a hiking trail was hiking to the left rather than the right
  • The Trans Canada highway goes straight through small towns resulting in a sudden speed drop to 50 KPH.  The US has the courtesy to build these people byways.  There are also several cases where the road is one lane each way despite being one of their national engineering achievements
  • Full-service gas stations are manned by the slow old instead of the spry old
  • Signs advertise attractions that aren’t even on the current road or one of its crossroads
  • McDonalds has muffins but no cookies
  • NOBODY OFFERS FREE PUBLIC WIFI

Finally, Canada has an exit sign for everything.  In the US there are four: You can eat here, you can fuel here, you can sleep here, you can poop here.  Canada has:you can sleep, poop, fuel, eat, tent camp, trailer camp, dispose of waste, see history, get an associates degree, get a bachelors degree, alpine ski, crosscountry ski, hike, walk, launch a boat, see animals, see a scenic view, talk to a park ranger, receive information on the area, fish, boat, water ski, visit the First Nations, undertake engineering or science (I shit you not), have your car repaired, and purchase poutine (doesn’t exist but should).

On my way, I stopped to get Steven Harper Funbucks aka Canadian dollars and the person at the RBC asked me how I liked Canada so far.  I told her it was fine and she said to let her know if I had any problems.  Good to know someone on the inside.

I met James Weir/Beers in Invermere at the Tim Hortons, a stop he said I wasn’t allowed to make until we’d met.  Their donuts were a notch below Dunkin’ Donuts and their coffee was identical to what I get from Wawa but it served as a fine meeting place.  I met the rest of his cohort consisting of a lawyer that was boarding with Morgan Blakely/Plato’s mother as an apprentice lawyer as well as Morgan and we moved to his residence for the evening.  My initial fears of them shaking me down for my lunch money was again unmet.

We played a bit of TF2 and I was rewarded with the following gem:

Look at the flag next to my name: I'M IN CANADA!

I shot this picture of the group from the side with the aid of a flash and Beers then realized that the game was on.  He didn’t want his picture taken and as the next day unwound there would be a deadly game of cat and also cat.

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Back to Front: Plato, Scott, and James/Beers

My first stop for the day was Redwood National Park where I wanted to see two things: Redwoods and Roosevelt Elk, one of the few animals I’d ever want to take a saddle to.  The park is up the coastal highway from where I had stayed and I got my first look at the Pacific.  Apparently the west coast felt like it had been excluded from the whole ocean thing and they demanded their own. This is far from the best picture I could have taken, but given the additional criterion of “could I take it from my car” it will suffice.

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The Pacific.... oooh....

I arrived at Redwood National Park ready to see trees and mega-deer but was greeted by a ranger.

Ranger: Please show your vehicle pass.
Me: *passes her National Park Annual Pass*
Ranger: Sir, this only covers your entrance to the park, if you want to take your car in that’ll be an additional $12.
Me: How far of a walk is it to the main Redwood grove?
Ranger: Seven miles.

Hm… I had no interest in paying $12 so I gambled on being able to see them elsewhere during the elk tour.  The entirety of the elk area had no trees in it larger than saplings in it, well, because of the elk, and to add insult to injury none of the elk actually seemed present.  Maybe they were camouflaged tree elk of some type.  I moved on.

I’m familiar with four levels of roads: Interstates, US Routes, State Routes, and County Routes.  On the way to crater lake, I discovered a new level called Forest Route.  These roads move through state game and forest land, are unpaved, a single lane, and only sometimes have pull outs.  Most of the pull outs were overgrown and each time I slowed down I was passed by the cloud of dust trailing me.  I magically emerged at the entrance to Crater Lake and was met by a little snow.

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A spot higher than my car.

Crater Lake is a destroyed volcano whose center has collapsed forming the Wizard’s Hat in the lake.  The water is incredibly clear and goes down 2000 feet in some places.  I trudged through the snow to get to the rim of the lake and was met by an impressive view.

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Crater Lake/The AbyssÂ

I could tell the lake was there by what I couldn’t experience.  In the direction of the chasm there was no noise, no light, no smells, just fog.  Fog thick enough to obscure any view of the 20 square mile surface with 4.5 cubic miles of water below it.  Joshua Tree showed the tenacity of life and Crater Lake its necessary temerity.  A final sign showing the extent of man’s limited ability to command the land waved goodbye to me as I left.

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Some fights aren't worth winning

Leaving Crater Lake led through a national forest with wide lanes and wider shoulders.  The speed limit was 70 MPH and I kept a comfortable speed with the person in front of me at around 78.  The trees were vast and wet and tired looking and the rain fell like a heavy drool as I made my way north.  My tank started running low around 11 PM so I set myself to stop at the next town with gas which was 30 miles away.  I got to the next town and all four gas stations were closed… odd, as they were in the town after.   I had never driven more than 360 miles on a single tank (30 miles a gallon x 12 gallon tank) and Eugene was another 18 miles away but I noticed that I was about 6000 feet up, so I decided to effectively coast my way there.  During downhills, I popped the car into neutral and turned off the engine and didn’t drive more than 50 MPH on the uphills.  I eventually rolled into the first gas station and a man approached my car asking for my payment card.  It was then I realized that Oregon is the only other state besides New Jersey that requires full service stations, thus none of the small town service posts were open after 10.  I got 11.97 gallons of gas after 378 miles at 31.6 MPG, a record I hope I never have to beat.

Travelling west out of Texas was magical.  I had 900 miles to cover in the day and 500 through the remainder of Texas were by far the nicest.  The state route that constituted the first 90 miles consisted of a landscape I’d never encountered with rock formations seemingly grown and a highway straddled by saturated flowers.

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Grown Stone

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They formed a ribbon when passed at high speed.

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A sky that made keeping to the road tough.

The drive was uneventful except for a part where I came within 2 minutes of running out of gas as driving at 85 had changed the distance per tank of my car.  I also hit 100 for the first time in a vehicle I was driving and for only the second time in a car period but my speeding (87 MPH) later got me pulled over by a Pecos County Sheriff.  He asked for my license, saw it was a PA and asked me if I was going home (despite travelling west).  I honestly replied “I need to get to Tucson to catch a flight to PA to take care of something”, a factually true statement which resulted in me only getting a polite warning from the officer who looked like some sort of train conductor.

The drive held another moment of interest as I’d never really seen the sun set over the actual horizon.  Normally, the setting sun is obscured by trees, houses, hills, or what have you but the blankness of New Mexico allowed an long uninterrupted view of the setting only impeded by small hills and the curvature of the earth.  I don’t think I’ll encounter this again until I hit the Pacific.

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Splendid example of the limitations of a camera's dynamic range.

I also got to go through a US border checkpoint despite being entirely in the US during my trip.  The rigorous inspect involved being asked if I was US citizen, was hiding any non-US citizens in my car, and had any contraband in my car.  Whew, that was a tough one.

My Arizona host bent over backwards to have me even proffering his bed for my use.  I was armed with my inflatable mattress which was so noisy on the wooden floor we’d equip it with a fleece silencer on the second night of my stay.

Driving South to meet a former OSR staff member was dull with little to look at besides the cavalcade of frontages that lined the secondary Frontage Drive that skirted the highway.  I was afraid of not having any pictures for the day so I pulled over at a Texas rest stop to take a picture and discovered some things.  First, all Texas rest stops offer wifi, which is somewhat impressive in that there’s no real place to use it except for surfing while taking a dump.  Second, Texas rest stop toilets are 3.8 gallons per flush which is 2-3 times what a normal toilet uses.  I timed the flush period and it clocked in at a full 24 seconds.  That’s a hell of a flush.

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Clouds, blown by the force of a flush.

Also, Texas has some peculiar road signs:

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How can it be the law to obey a warning sign?

I met Alex in Austin and we reminisced over girly iced beverages.  He’s happily married and hosts some kickin’ parties as witnessed by the fact that his wife still had highlighter on her.  We chatted about school, work, and the joys of becoming adults and moved on after a few hours; it was good to see him.

My next meet-up was with Ellice Sanchez/Ellice in San Antonio, the land of history and malls.

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Soft light is soft.

The meeting was fine and our nightcap was watching her boyfriend raise 20 flags.

My Texas host wasn’t available until 11:30 PM and with only a 4 hour drive to Dallas I had to kill eight hours after waking up to arrive at a reasonable time which I thought would be easy in that I was visiting a national park.  I was sadly mistaken.  Hot Springs National Park does have some wooded areas to it but these seem almost ancillary, the purpose of the park is to preserve the hydrology that provides hot mineral water to the historic bath houses, something I have little to no interest in experiencing.  I took the tour of the park proper and there was really nothing of note.

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This could have been taken anywhere.

They had a lovely observation tower that one could climb and look from for a mere $8.

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It did have a nice snack machine.

I blew through the park in under an hour despite my best efforts so had to find a way to kill 7 hours, it required some creativity; every time I saw a brown landmark sign, I did my patriotic duty and pulled over.  These detours included:

  • Army Corps of Engineer Dam Education Area
  • Recreation Zone 7
  • Arkansas Reservoir Museum
  • Texas Cotton Museum
  • Mary Puddin’s, the world’s largest independent chocolatier (a claim that makes no sense)
  • Texas Veterans’ Highway Monument

This only killed six of the eight hours but I received additional assistance from having to take an impromptu stop for some flash flooding on I-30 W but even this and my attempt to keep to the speed limit still had me in Dallas two hours before I could actually do anything.  I pulled into a Starbucks for some free (if you’re using a iPhone) wifi and proceeded to spend the next 45 minutes using my MiFi to try to learn how to fake out the network so my laptop could mask itself as a phone through dicking with user agent options.  My host shot me a message that I could meet his at his restaurant for some free food (woot) so I drove across Dallas to exercise this option.  Dallas doesn’t have streets so much as a network of boulevards with double turning lanes, four or five across expressways and multiple ways of exiting and entering tollways.  Even on a Friday evening, the combination of quickly moving traffic and tight turns allowed Wanda the Wonderbrick to navigate wonderfully and I’m tempted to return just so I can tool around more.

In front of my host’s restaurant as I readied myself to change in a nearby convenience store I received a text message from a team mate that in effect said “we’re under attack”.  Boo.  I pulled into a no parking lane, pulled out my laptop, connected it to my giant portable battery, plugged in the mouse, connected to the MiFi, put on my headset and set to work.  I got a lot of strange looks from passersby who stared at me like I was either the world’s fattest spook or some sort of UAV coordinator on vacation.  A nice policeman told me to move my car so I wrapped things up and having missed my restaurant window, shot gleefully across Dallas to meet my host.

Dallas/Sensei is both a Scouter and highly kinetic and meeting him in person was revealing.

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Philmont shirt, I approve

He has joint custody with his ex-fiancée of his cat, Muffin, the most resigned cat I’ve ever met.  Normally, I’d describe such an animal as lazy, calm, or docile but the blank knowing stare of this cat bordered on nihilism.

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A kitty Sartre, or Camus if he dies young.

I wonder if any other animals have the ability to present this type of ennui.

I departed after Earle crushed a gallon of milk and headed past the parade of “Choose Life” billboards and advertisements for various life-changing church experiences.  I felt like a stranger but was set at ease by learning the globality of some local stores:

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More than great coats. It'd have to be to make it in Florida.

But a bit of Southern uniqueness was that every interstate gas station also sold bag-your-own fruit while at the same time charging extra to use a credit card.  In most cases, this fee was smaller than the cash-back amount I receive so I bravely overpaid in the short-term.  I met up with a Magic buddy after navigating successive waves of 50, 75, and 40 cent tolls moving east across the state.  We talked for 20 minutes waiting for his car to get towed and reminisced about 5-Color games past. Then, north.

Georgia had much duller and less vitriolic billboards which I was glad to be rid of in the Carolinas which had the old stalwarts of J&R and South of the Border.  After a few hundred more miles I called it quits for the day the and settled down after trying to take pictures of myself without looking.

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Take 25

With the exception of an ill-fated trip to Hardee’s I’ve been lucky in avoiding accents I’m not used to.  I’m absolutely terrible with them and in this case I was saved by the fact that I’ve grown accustom to desk clerks named “Jaya Viswanathan” elsewhere.  And again,  I missed the hot breakfast served between 6 and 9.

My departure from Chicago was like my departure from my host: icy.  Peter made the outrageous claim that seasons I & II of Star Trek: The Next Generation where the best.  I recognize I’m sometimes viewed as an iconoclast for my love of DS9 but claiming that the repurposed tripe that was the detritus of Star Trek: Phase II represented the pinnacle of writing in Trekdom is heresy bordering on treason.   Were I not so tired, that claim could have sent me into a paroxysmal rage that would have taken out a 1/3 of Team Interobang’s SAs.

I had a chance to calm down later and Kyle and I proceeded to FermiLab… which was closed.  I’d registered for a presentation there but was waitlisted by a school group.  We drove about the complex a bit including driving down some sort of access road where pi-shaped power supports stretched to infinity.

I pulled that from Flickr but the area around was blanketed in snow.  The site’s pristine status as a well maintained but forgotten site was reinforced by 1960s industrial design coupled with a emptiness that I’ve only seen in the works of De Chirico.

I regret not being a bit more ballsy in exploring the site as I’m sure they get their fare share of curious nerds.  This was the place that discovered the bottom Omega baryon on a continuously diminishing budget and is a testament to America’s dedication to being on the frontier of discovery0, and they have the bison to prove it.

We drove homeward and due to the vicissitudes of Garmin’s pathfinding our path jumped from I-94 to Rt 30; the way I’d gone out and back to Chicago on my previous visit.  Kyle found its barrenness as enchanting as I did but this time we had the additional dampener of uniform snow.  Stopping in Fort Wayne to take up someone on an offer of pizza provided a change of company and temperament that was refreshing.  The combination of brick oven pizza and Caesar salad purged me of Chicago’s taste in more than a figurative sense.  I used our temporary host’s bathroom and was able to clog it with droppings no larger than Vienna sausages.   I asked for a plunger and received the quizzical response I often get from people whose bowel functions make clogged toilets more of a theoretical concern than a fact of reality.  I’ve gotten quite good at the art of the silent plunge and the issue was quickly put down the drain… or toilet trap.

The final stretch back included a stop over at which Kyle first lived.  I’m glad we were fully stopped as he was hit by waves of mental calibration as his internal image of his old house was reconciled with reality.  I was lucky; my old home was replaced by the fruit section of a Superfresh before I encountered such cognitive dissonance.  The rest of the turnpike welcomed us home in the manner it often does: with just enough hill to trigger a gear change using cruise control but not enough to complete the upshift.  I missed you, Pennsylvania.

Feasterville has always been to me the Noah’s Ark of fast-food.  Covering more ground has showed me that my region of PA is losing the strip mall arms race as Columbus held both a Little Caesar’s and a Donato’s Pizza, serving as a Land of the Lost of dead chains.

The Bounty

The Bounty

Additionally, I test drove a Steak ‘n’ Shake, which succumbs to the burger counterlogic of proclaiming “100% ground <cut of choice>”.  Good hamburgers come from a combination of meats in much the same way that a good salad includes many vegetables.  “100% pure romaine lettuce” may be nice to some but not I.  Their milkshakes were also questionable, with much larger ice crystals than one should allow:

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This was done with the remarkable macro function of the Canon G9.  Anyway, I was comforted that I hadn’t traveled too far from home when I saw this reminder of tawdry spell-hacking:

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Ah, a baby hanging station.  That’s something that reminds me of home.  As we continued on something that didn’t remind me of home was this:

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Before leaving Chris and Stephen’s I played the gift gnome and hit a jar of baconnaise in their fridge.  The snow effectively ended as we exited Ohio but the damage was done:

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I’ve found that the larger the above image gets the harder it is to directly make out the word “stop”.  I’m actually posting this a week after this was taken and my windows are still much like this.  I buy fuel in New Jersey and never go to car washes so it may be some time until the stars align and I remove the salt.  That’s probably dangerous, but I have principles to maintain.

Indiana at night was as magical as I remember it but this may be partly due to hypnogogic hallucinations.  Kyle was smitten by the landscaping and shortly after stopping near Purdue for some wine for our hosts he asked if we could take pictures of the wind turbines at night and I replied with the tact of the angry parent of an 8-year old who’d been awoken at 6 AM on a Saturday.

Kyle: can we try to get a picture of the wind turbines?
Me: No.  It’s too dark.
Kyle: But they’re illuminated at the top.
Me: The reds’ll saturate and you won’t make out anything.
Kyle: Can we try?  I’m willing to pull over.
Me: I’m not, road vibrations can induce lens shake and wind and such *snore*

I probably should have given it a sporting try as a 30 second exposure can help one cheat out a lot of stuff when coupled with the pixel-peeping power of RAW.

Our last stop before Chicago was again to get fuel at a gas station in Indiana.  I have a special place in my heart for truck-stop hot dogs as the fact that they’re on rocket hot rollers for literally hours made them my default snack on cross-country runs.  Much like the last peanut in a container, the last hot dog is slathered in the juices of its forgotten peers and like wines that develop flavors based on their barrels the hot dog can pick up kielbasa, hot sausage, and beef frank notes based on its former co-rollers.  I got the hot dog, but saw no rolls so asked the counter agent who replied with incredulity at the notion that I’d slander her noble gas station with claims of insufficient hot dog rolls.  After two attendants performed a visual inspection of the hot dog setup to confirm that they were indeed sans buns one of the associates disappeared for a period in excess of 10 minutes before returning with rolls.  I think he walked into the store room, opened the exterior door, ran to the next gas station and stole their hot dog buns.  What did I get for my wait?  I was only charged the medium hot dog price of 89 cents instead of the full 1.19!  While waiting, I did get to check out their keen hat display.

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Actually driving into Chicago proved difficult.  The GPS recommended route was not open so we had to switch back through the Alcelor-Mittal plant to the south of Chicago.  The powerful juxtaposition of old industrial shanty town next to a the precision flare-offs off a cracking made the scene look like satan playing the organ.  The low clouds and snow obscured the fractal detritus that belies the age of industry and the whole scene was out of something by Charles Sheeler.

Classic Landscape by Charles Sheeler

Classic Landscape by Charles Sheeler

For those of you who play TF2, it was very much similar to many of the more industrial maps like cp_well or cp_freight.  We eventually made it to our hosts’ house and set to the task of consuming 4 dozen cookies (spoiler: we ate them all by the time we left).  Pants and I reviewed his discomfort with the notion of an infinite universe and its implications and I drifted to sleep in existential terror.  Just like I like to.

Kyle and I left at 3:40 PM and ground to a halt to the forces of “Rt 1 and the Infinite Backup”.  Playing the local, I tried a convoluted set of back routes to get onto the turnpike via a rarely used on ramp and saw the source of the delay:

Der Accident

Der Accident

This was compounded by having spent more than six seconds behind this person:

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Popemobile circa 1982

Driving was dull, asphalt passing at about 70 MPH on the 65 MPH areas of the turnpike.  After about two hours I noticed that the GPS’s arrival estimate hadn’t changed meaning that the device was programmed to assume we were speeding.  That little bastard.  Kyle started driving an hour or two after the snow started and I remembered that my least favorite form of precipitation is brine.  Every mile we covered was red in tooth and claw salt and topical microfissures with time slowing as our maximum speed dropped to 45 MPH due to the conditions.  Time lapse failed to make the progress seem faster:

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A side effect of tooling along at 45 MPH behind a salt truck was setting  a record of 34 MPG on a single tank.

We arrived in Columbus after midnight and caught Chris and Stephen in their element:

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Chris Lutz, fortified with Vitamin Beard

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Stephen surrounded by the trappings of modern domesticity: Rock Band and SceneIt

Meeting Chris’s dogs was fun in the sense that they had a matter-of-fact view of people which divided our race into either petters or chair-warmers, each having no compunction with stepping on your junk, lungs, or face should you occupying any corner of their domain.

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Daisy, the Junk Stepper

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Emma, the Face Crusher

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Small Dog (yes, that's the dog's damn name), the Underchair Warmer

I want to get the two an acrylic or plexiglass chair so I can see Small Dog in her native element.  Alternatively, maybe an IR-sensitive flipcam would do.

Chris situation seems best described as restless comfort.  I sympathize with his feeling that his job takes care of him but is far from the last step he’ll take.  I look forward to seeing him turn into a preacher’s wife at some time in the future but Stephen’s Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring could use some polishing.  I consider it a personal triumph that I’ve made no “polishing the organ” joke otherwise but did find it hilarious that he had a collection of nutcrackers.

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A Reminder of the Hazards of Boxer Shorts

Stereotypes either inspire humor or loathing in me and I immediately picked up on Chris’s collection of scrapbooking shears.  He insists they aren’t his but I’m skeptical.

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A Scrapbooker's Armory

I hoped there was some ritual in receiving each new set of sheers may they be egg/dart, sinusoidal, or traditional pinking shears involving defeating another scrapbooker in a scrapbooking duel but that doesn’t appear to be the case.  Or it’s like Fight Club and even if it were the case I could never know.  The day ended at 4 AM after my first trip to a Waffle House which didn’t involve my vehicle being cased and falling a sleep on a hide-away single bed that could have been more comfortably packed with gravel.