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I had a doctor visit today and I can’t remember when I was last this excited to see my doctor. When last we had seen each other I weighed 402 lbs and I was on my way down from my peak of 420 lbs. After a paperwork update and some preliminary paperwork I was in an examination room and waited. I had dropped 150 lbs from my last visit and the back and forth with the doctor sounded like this:

HIm: What the hell are you doing to yourself?
Me: Eating less and exercising.
Him: Good job. I see you have a question for me.
Me: Yeah, I’d like to talk about getting a medically covered abdomenoplasty.
Him: That’s tough, what are your symptoms?
Me: Chronic skin abrasion again my clothing, difficulty sleeping, and some lower back problems if I’ve been leaning forward at all during the day.
Him: I’ll add it to your record. Keep up the good work. See you in a month?
Me: See you in 10 lbs.
Him: Don’t get cocky.

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I enjoy waiting rooms far too much.  Everyone sits around acting like they shouldn’t be in a doctor’s office but failing to realize that applies to everyone else as well.  The woman to my left sat fidgeting the whole time until someone she knew arrived.   The first woman simply referred to her condition as a “feminine condition” and said it in a really low voice, to which the second woman responded “doctors do that now?”.

After sitting around for 20 minutes the nurses started calling in the backlog of patients two at a time taking them as they made it to the door except in one case where a knuckle-dragging trollwoman yelled “make way, I’m gimpy” before hobbling in front of the other person.

I ended my visit with dicussing my weight with my doctor:
Doctor: So, how’s your exercise going?
Me: Fine, I suppose, I had to suspend my walking regiment when I messed up my back.
Doctor: Have you lost any weight since your last visit?
Me: …. I don’t know.  The nurse didn’t weigh me when I can in.
Doctor: *Incredulously* Well, do you feel lighter?

What kind of question is that?  They have 10 exam rooms each equiped with a balance and he asks me if I feel lighter? Gha…

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I visited my adversarial doctor regarding the growing back pain and had the following exchange worthy of Aaron Sorkin:

Doctor: He’s your perscription
Me: For……
Doctor: Your back, I think it’s muscular and would send you in for an MRI but I’m pretty sure you won’t fit in the machine.
Me: So what caused it?
Doctor: Pickle jar.
Me:  Really?  I don’t eat pickles.
Doctor: Hm… maybe mustard, how about jam?
Me: I do enjoy a good jam.
Doctor: Probably jam then.
Me: So I should stop eating jam?
Doctor: No, just the jars.
Me: Don’t eat jam jars?
Doctor: No opening them.
Me: But I haven’t opened a jar of jam in weeks.
Doctor: It could be the fact that your fat.  Or maybe you lifted something heavy (giggles) or maybe how you sleep.
Me: So you jumped to the pickle jar before saying it’s caused by me having a BMI that’s usually listed in up arrow notation?
Doctor: I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.  Don’t lift anything heavy, except you.  Remember walk walk walk walk walk (while making this waddling motion).

I hate my doctor.  But my urge to never see him drives me to proper health.  “I get bedrest and fluids alright you fucker, I’ll be damned if I see you again for this condition”.