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A night’s rest was replaced with what only felt like a long nap so I went into work at 3 AM feeling a bit peckish.  I stopped for a sandwich on the way and chose the simple divinity of the 6″ meatball sandwich which was under the auspices of Wawa’s Hoagiefest promotion.  On checkout, the price was incorrect:

Me: I don’t think this is the right rate for this sandwich.  The signage says $3.49, this says $4.25.
Cashier: Hm… I don’t know, let me ask my manager. *asks manager*
Manager: Ok, sir.  Just stay with us and we’ll fix it. *stares at receipt*  It’s tax.  It’s a prepared food, there’s tax.  It’s tax.
Me: That doesn’t make sense, that’d imply that New Jersey had a 25% tax [I goofed, 21%] on food.
Manager: Sir, please stay calm.  I’m just trying to think.  The promotions change on Thursdays, maybe it’s no longer covered and we have to take the sign down.
Me: Well, the sandwich is actually covered by both the expiring and newly incoming deal, so that doesn’t make sense.  Can you give me a soft pretzel and we’ll call it square?
Manager: We don’t want to do anything rash like that.  We’ll reverse the charge, manually plug in the cost, and you’ll get your 75 cents.  Stupid technology, always slowing things down.
Me: I’d say on balance, technology is pretty awesome.
Manager: *narrows eyes* You wouldn’t remember.

How do these people escape into public and why is it that I seem to find all of them?

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Since December, a half dozen FedEx packages have not been properly delivered, so I called FedEx Home to see what the source of the error was:

FedEx Person: Sir, it appears that the system is interpreting your address as E. Bristol Rd near Brownsville Rd.  Where should it be?
Me:  West Bristol Rd near Chinquapin Rd closer to Southampton.
*we went back and forth for about 10 minutes trying to find my house based on a landmark which ended when I sent a Google map URL*
FedEx Person: Ok, a note will be attached to the address indicating the location.  Sir, I want to thank you for understanding, most people aren’t nearly this calm.
Me: GPS has generally improved the world, but my address is that 1 in 1000 outlier where it just doesn’t work.  I’ve gotten used to it.  Also, I have a nuclear option.
FedEx Person: Nuclear option?
Me: Yes, every FedEx employee has a monthly quality bonus which can be quite sizable that goes away if there’s a single customer complaint.  That’s a big red button that’s easy to press and as I sit on the phone, I mentally run my finger around it.  I find it calming.
FedEx Person: Oh, so you know about the…
Me: Yes, yes I do.  So, my overnight packages will again be overnight packages?
FedEx Person: Yes, Mr. Robinson.  Thank you for the opportunity to correct the error.  Thank you , I mean thank you.

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I attempted to register holiday pay for Thanksgiving and received a note that I had not accumulated enough hours to qualify.  Having worked here for 7 years, I found that unlikely so I called my contact person with the staffing firm.

Me: Hello, I’d like to discuss the status of my holiday pay.
Staffing Person: Yes, you’ve only completed 312 hours this season.
Me: I’ve done 1996 hours in the past 18 months, I sent you a spreadsheet.
Staffing Person: But that was part of a different placement, the clock resets.
Me:  It didn’t before.
Staffing Person: Yes, that was an error on our part.
Me: But you paid me before.
Staffing Person: One moment…. Yes, I’ve retrieved the copy of your work agreement which clearly states the terms and you do not qualify.
Me: But you paid me before.
Staffing Person: Let me talk to my manager.
*call back*
Staffing Person: I requested an exception and you do not qualify.
Me: But you paid me before.
Staffing Person: That was an error, sir.
Me: But you paid me before.
Staffing Person: Let me talk to my shift supervisor.
*call back*
Staffing Person: Good news, we are making a one time exception while we sort this out.  You will receive holiday pay until 2011 starts.
Me:  Thank you.

Please note, I placed emphasis on a different syllable each time I said “but you paid me before” and also, gha, I hate that this tactic works.

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I needed around 150 eye droppers to make Cartesian divers for my Webelos weekend.  I checked with a scientific supply house to see if they had any.  They were out of 144 packs but still had 12 packs of which I was able to purchase 12.  I wanted to see if I could get the 144 price which was 20% less so I called:

Me:  I see you’re out of 144 packs of medical droppers.  Can I just get 12 12 packs and have it rung up as a 144 pack?
Service Person: No, we’re out of stock of 144 packs and combining 12 12 packs would not be the same as there’s more packaging involved.
Me: But it’s the same number of medical droppers.  Do you have a bulk discount program?
Service Person: Yes, special orders placed with a quantity greater than 11 receive a discount.
Me: How much is that discount?
Service Person: 20%
Me: So I can’t get it listed as a 144 pack but I can buy 12 packs in the same quantity and get 20% off bringing it to the exact same price?
Service Person: Yes, I’m sorry that’s the best I can do.
Me: …. I’ll live.

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2010 has seen the death of the Robinson home phone line.  Calling to cancel involved some amazingly helpful prompts:

  • After wading through five minutes of menus and requests I got “tired of waiting?  Call back later!” genius
  • “It looks like you want to cancel your service.  Are you sure you don’t want to switch to *more expensive plan*

The service person was fine albeit a bit mousy and I felt a spot bad during my this exchange:
Her: Sir, what’s your account number.
Me: The same as I mentioned when I initially called and it was requested by the automated voice prompts.
Her: *after a few seconds of silence* which was?
Me: It should be there, I can wait while you retrieve it.  The voice prompts even verified that it was accurate.
Her: I’ll need it again for security purposes.
Me: Hm… In that it was already provided, I suppose you need to protect against highwaymen that waylay innocent Vonage customers after they enter their account number but before they indicate the purpose of the call with the intent of blackmailing them for their number back.  Good, it’s *number*.

As sometimes happens, my exchange triggered a feedback request via email to complete a webform.  The questions were a bit more leading then I’m used to and was waiting for:

What are your thoughts on Vonage?
-Great company
-Greatest company

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I went to mail the TI giveaway stuff and encountered an old Indian fellow manning the counter at my local post office, he has far more fun doing his job than he should have:

  • Incident #1:
    Woman: I’d like to ship this perfume overnight.
    Him: I’m sorry, we don’t ship liquids.
    Woman: It’s important.  May I talk to your manager?
    Him: My manager is not here but I’ll tell you what you can do.  Go back in line and try to talk to the lady next to me at the counter.  She has different rules.
    Woman: Really?
    Him: No.  She won’t be able to break rules to ship it, but I was hoping you’d try anyway.
  • Incident #2:
    Him:  Two questions, how would you like to ship these twelve boxes and which one has the bomb in it?
    Fellow: There aren’t any bombs in these.
    Him: Whew… I just thought with so many packages going to DC in identical boxes you were trying to throw off a bomb detect.
    Fellow: Um… no.
    Him: When you do decide to ship the bomb, please use UPS.
  • Incident #3 (Me):
    Him: I see you’re shipping this internationally.  What does it contain?
    Me: Stickers.
    Him: Oooh… What kind?
    Me: Kids stickers.  They have bunnies on them.
    Him: The things kids will do for drugs these days.  Ok.  That’ll be 93 cents.

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I went to mail the TI giveaway stuff and encountered an old Indian fellow manning the counter at my local post office, he has far more fun doing his job than he should have:

  • Incident #1:
    Woman: I’d like to ship this perfume overnight.
    Him: I’m sorry, we don’t ship liquids.
    Woman: It’s important.  May I talk to your manager?
    Him: My manager is not here but I’ll tell you what you can do.  Go back in line and try to talk to the lady next to me at the counter.  She has different rules.
    Woman: Really?
    Him: No.  She won’t be able to break rules to ship it, but I was hoping you’d try anyway.
  • Incident #2:
    Him:  Two questions, how would you like to ship these twelve boxes and which one has the bomb in it?
    Fellow: There aren’t any bombs in these.
    Him: Whew… I just thought with so many packages going to DC in identical boxes you were trying to throw off a bomb detect.
    Fellow: Um… no.
    Him: When you do decide to ship the bomb, please use UPS.
  • Incident #3 (Me):
    Him: I see you’re shipping this internationally.  What does it contain?
    Me: Stickers.
    Him: Oooh… What kind?
    Me: Kids stickers.  They have bunnies on them.
    Him: The things kids will do for drugs these days.  Ok.  That’ll be 93 cents.

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Me: Ma’am, do you know where I can find canned blueberries or a berry compote?
Genuardi’s Attendant: Hm… I think they’re in party supplies, they go in birthday pies.  If they’re not their, I’m pretty sure it’s in with the pastas in the Ethnic Food Aisle.  If that doesn’t work, try condiments with other crushed vegetables.
(20 minutes of searching her stupid red herrings)
Me: Ma’am, I found them.  In the canned food aisle.
Genuardi’s Attendant: Where?
Me: In the canned fruit section.  Specifically, canned berries.

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7:00 AM – no one in, edit wikipedia entries for improper use of the word ‘momentarily’
8:00 AM – 1 person in, edit wikipedia when she’s not in the office
9:00 AM – everyone in, stare at inbox
10:00 AM – Told tech support would come to fix computer, fear struck into heart.
11:00 AM – While waiting for tech support, eat 1/4 of a birthday cake left in hallway
12:00 PM – Bacon!!!
1:00 PM – while waiting at PC for tech support, I realize that my drink is next to a very expensive computer and that I should move it before I accidentally knock it open.
1:23 PM (I checked) – Awake suddenly from nap because I realized I was falling asleep and didn’t move drink.  In process of waking, flail wildly searching for drink to move causing drink to spray over desk.  And god do I mean spray… Run to bathroom to get paper towels, realize paper towels only come off one at a time, rip paper towel dispenser off the wall and run past housekeeping holding paper towel dispenser.

Wow, I made a mess, things I had to remove Diet Cherry Coke from:
Phone
Phone cord
Phone receiver (there was a little pool in there)
Right speaker
Speaker Power supply
Keyboard (I actually drained it out)
Between buttons of wireless mouse
CAD navigation device
Around desklamp

Interestingly, after the soda largely soaked into the carpet it started seeping under the clear plastic floor mat.  The soda started to evaporate making little coke-colored clouds and rain drops.  Amazingly, I was able to clean all of this with only the housekeeper seeing.  He was glad I cleaned my own workstation but wanted the paper towel dispenser back.

On the plus side, I was quite awake after that micronap.

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7:00 AM – no one in, edit wikipedia entries for improper use of the word ‘momentarily’
8:00 AM – 1 person in, edit wikipedia when she’s not in the office
9:00 AM – everyone in, stare at inbox
10:00 AM – Told tech support would come to fix computer, fear struck into heart.
11:00 AM – While waiting for tech support, eat 1/4 of a birthday cake left in hallway
12:00 PM – Bacon!!!
1:00 PM – while waiting at PC for tech support, I realize that my drink is next to a very expensive computer and that I should move it before I accidentally knock it open.
1:23 PM (I checked) – Awake suddenly from nap because I realized I was falling asleep and didn’t move drink.  In process of waking, flail wildly searching for drink to move causing drink to spray over desk.  And god do I mean spray… Run to bathroom to get paper towels, realize paper towels only come off one at a time, rip paper towel dispenser off the wall and run past housekeeping holding paper towel dispenser.

Wow, I made a mess, things I had to remove Diet Cherry Coke from:
Phone
Phone cord
Phone receiver (there was a little pool in there)
Right speaker
Speaker Power supply
Keyboard (I actually drained it out)
Between buttons of wireless mouse
CAD navigation device
Around desklamp

Interestingly, after the soda largely soaked into the carpet it started seeping under the clear plastic floor mat.  The soda started to evaporate making little coke-colored clouds and rain drops.  Amazingly, I was able to clean all of this with only the housekeeper seeing.  He was glad I cleaned my own workstation but wanted the paper towel dispenser back.

On the plus side, I was quite awake after that micronap.