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For the first time in a while, one of our tenants was just sitting in the kitchen watching television.  Not moving tons of freight in the darkness of night or smuggling diamonds but just sitting there.  So I pounced:

Me: What do you do for fun?
Him: Well.  I enjoy time with friends, and dancing, and skiing, and horseback riding, and snorkeling, and kissing a beautiful woman, and dirt biking, and motocross, and camping, and slip n’ slides, yes, a good slip and slide, and jai alai, and motor boating, and exploring caves, and imported beer.
Me: Wow, you’re interests are quite varied.
Him: I am.

He later told me he was just listing things happening in the stream of commercials he’d been watching.  Touche, sir, touche.

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I don’t watch much television, so when I do (I was baking), all the commercials are new to me.  Observations:

  • Why is Thor in The Hulk vs. Thor cartoon speaking Medieval English rather than either Middle English or contemporary English?  The guy he inhabits was born in the 60s and Thor was last worshipped around 1200.
  • Buzz Ballads offers RUSH delivery.  I suppose for a small fee it’s dropped off by Geddy Lee.
  • The latest issue of Reader’s Digest has “Secret Tips to a Healthy Heart”, I’ve read them, I can’t wait to cash in as a cardiologist dispensing “10 Life Extending Facts That’d Be Immediately Obvious to a Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child Raised by Tak-!Sung Tribesmen”
  • I was so thunderstruck by the idiocy of the Cash 4 Gold commercial (does anyone notice that the foundry worker is covered in prison tattoos?) that I missed our dog Max eating one of my silicone baking mats.  I’ve heard chocolate can kill dogs, how about silicone?  It certainly didn’t hurt my brother.
  • There are over 200 types of dwarfism.

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I’ve always hated with a profound passion product commercials with ridiculous setups such as the vacuum cleaner that demolishes a pyramid of sand (my favorite was the hand-held vacuum that picked up a bucket of bolts on carpet, like they’d spilled there moments before a party was to begin).  During my road to colonic convalescence I’ve taken to soup and cereal.  As the cereal level dropped the box started wobbling, nudged by the ceiling fan until it toppled, lid open and landed open-side down on the kitchen floor.  I lifted the box leaving a nice pyramid of cereal.  I reached for the un-necessarily strong hand-vacuum and a piece of me died as it casually consumed the cereal that would have otherwise been left for the dog.

Next up: Dropping my bolt collection onto the rug moments before my brother starts a kegger.

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I’ve always hated with a profound passion product commercials with ridiculous setups such as the vacuum cleaner that demolishes a pyramid of sand (my favorite was the hand-held vacuum that picked up a bucket of bolts on carpet, like they’d spilled there moments before a party was to begin).  During my road to colonic convalescence I’ve taken to soup and cereal.  As the cereal level dropped the box started wobbling, nudged by the ceiling fan until it toppled, lid open and landed open-side down on the kitchen floor.  I lifted the box leaving a nice pyramid of cereal.  I reached for the un-necessarily strong hand-vacuum and a piece of me died as it casually consumed the cereal that would have otherwise been left for the dog.

Next up: Dropping my bolt collection onto the rug moments before my brother starts a kegger.