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The closest Apple-certified repair center was a typewriter repair store in Philadelphia that apparently did nothing but repair typewriters and Apple computers.  I loaded my iMac into my car, drove to the place and found it closed with a sign that said “Closed Thursdays”.  Great.

But there was a hitch, the sign’s font was Calibri.  No self-respecting Apple enthusiast would ever use Microsoft’s flagship ClearType font for a store sign.  This store either had a dark secret or a dark irony to it, neither of which I wanted to deal with.  To the Apple Repair Center near my workplace.

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My iMac apparently came with a wireless card.  Doesn’t seem to be working.  Called Apple Technical Support.

Me: My iMac’s wireless card doesn’t appear to be working.
Tech #1: Sir, your device is out of warranty, would you like to sign up for an extra year or would you like to pay the $34.95 cost for a spot license?
Me: It’s a hardware issue which is still covered.  Can I just get an RMA?
Tech #1: That is yet to be determined.
Me: The card is not appearing in the system.
Tech #1: Sir, please choose.
Me: Do I get a refund if it turns out to be a hardware issue?
Tech #1: I believe, let me check.  *five minute pause* Yes, sir.  Pardon the delay, I had to elevate the question several times to get an answer.
Me: I’ll take the one-off option.  You don’t deal with legit hardware issues often, do you?
Tech #1: No.  Let me transfer you to a technical agent.
Me: Ok.
Tech #2: Sir, I see you’ve chosen the spot warranty option.  I’ll walk you through the fix.
Me: I don’t think it’ll work.  The card’s simply not appearing.
Tech #2: Let’s try a few things *tries a few things*
Me: Can I just get an RMA for this?
Tech #2: It’s almost always a software issue.  Let’s try one more thing.  *tries one more thing*  Hm… still no luck.  Let’s get you a repair authorization.
Me: Ok.
Tech #3: Sir, your RMA # is XXXXX.  Pardon for the wait.
Me: Can I get my refund for the call too?
Tech #3: Sure, one moment.  *comes back 5 minutes later*  Sorry for the delay, sir, no one on my floor recalled having actually dealt with a hardware issue of this kind and no one knew the refund procedure.
Me: So, am I getting a refund?
Tech #3: Yes, the department service VP did the refund by hand.
Me: You don’t deal with a lot of actual hardware issues, do you?
Tech #3: No, sir.  Usually customers have a software issue or just decide to upgrade.

Ha, years of working with Windows has given me an intuitive sense of when the hardware’s just borked.  Take that, Apple.

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I sat, waiting for the connecting flight to Cleveland, listening to something on my iPhone and tooling around on my Macbook Air.  I felt a tension in my chest when I looked around at all the people doing something similar including overly-loud-ichat-user, annoying-physics-game-on-iphone-kid, and semi-staged I-point-at-your-macbook-screen-you-point-at-mine-couple.   I wanted to rise from my chair and yell “I am comfortable in a command line, I run 2 flavors of linux, and manage 3 dedicated windows servers.  I know some C++ and non-Apple devices outnumber Apple devices 2 to 1 in my home.  I’m not one of you!”  My scream would not be blocked out by the shitty white standard iPod earbuds, and no one would be quick enough to capture it on their iOS devices nor record it with their iSight cameras.  Steve recommended I put that line on a t-shirt.

I’m going to buy an Android phone and compile a copy of Darwin to return harmony to my technological soul.

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I needed to do a presentation at the College of Commissioner Science and realized too late that I’d need a projector.  Someone there would have one but statistically it’d be someone I’d rather not owe anything to so I opted for bringing my 27″ iMac.  The benefits were that it works in full light and there’s almost no set-up.  I got there, set up, and found that two people were scheduled to instruct the same session.  This is the kind of asinine shit that’s made me want to ragequit Scouting some time ago that I at least now have an end date for.  The training was otherwise fine and consisted of 10 trainers for 14 people, another dose of farce I’m glad I can escape for a bit.

After this I went to camp where there were six campmasters for the six odd campers present.  At a few points, Don Wiater would leave the table and want to check on a sports game and I’d yell “Come back, Don.  Who needs the cold embrace of a TV when you have us.”  Like I was one talk to talk about blocking people out to look at displays:

Since it's not a tower, it must be a laptop.

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I mentioned to a coworker that I was buying an iMac to do some xcode development:

Joe: That’s a lot of Apple devices.
Me: What do you mean, I only have a *thinks* iPhone, iPad, and iPod.
Joe: That’s 4, which is nearly fanboy-level.
Me: Nah, I think my Windows netbook, desktop, home server, web server, exercise computer, big laptop, and overwhelming urge to buy a Ford Fiesta to get a vehicle with Sync balances it out.
Joe: You’re safe.

If I get another Apple device, I’m going to have to buy 2 Microsoft products to keep the peace.

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Andy Ihnatko was speaking to the Southern New Jersey Mac Users Group at Gloucester County College this evening (for free!) and Mike Noble and I went.  We were a spot early and a women who later turned out to be a bobblehead doll was Andy’s escort and she kept giggling and brushing her hand against him in the “oh stop, that’s TOO funny” hand motion.  Mike and I stood out from the crowd for a few reasons, first we were both under 45, second neither of us had Apple desktops or laptops, and finally we were more interested in seeing Andy than seeing Andy’s presentation and he (Andy) delivered.

Notes taken during presentation:

  • Had some weird hand motions
  • Didn’t change opening slide for 10 minutes
  • There was a guy behind us pumping a textbook in statistical methods up and down.  The book looked pristine and he was wearing a “Mac 8” t-shirt that looked to be from the Crimean War era.
  • He bumped the presentation adapter about 15 minutes in and the device locked up like a bank vault.   It took about 10 minutes for the device to restart.
  • Andy says “cara-bye-ner” not “cara-bee-ner”.
  • Used the phrase “and the moment that really put the bleach in their Campbell’s soup”.
  • “Apple defines success in the same way you and I define success: doing what you do well.”
  • Audience questions were squarely divided into two categories “TELL ME I’M SMART/GOOD ENOUGH!” and “WHY WON’T APPLE DO WHAT I WANT THEM TO DO!” with the winner being a woman who talked at Andy for 10 minutes on why Apple wouldn’t let her do a hardware unlock to change international carriers to which he replied “get the international plan”.

Despite my starting disinterest for the topic I really want an iPad now, although I don’t anticipate breaking my rule of “don’t buy anything first generation from a company that’s usually around to produce a second generation”.  One of the over-riding ideas Andy presented was that hardware was secondary to finding creative ways to allow users to interact with software, that in the absence of intuitive UI the rest is immaterial.  The premise is well reasoned and I’d only add the caveat of “if something wants to catch on in the broadest possible market”.

Pictures:

20100929-4307-Andyihnatko

This toupee wouldn't have been more obvious if it had a chin strap.

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Andy almost falling asleep as Brazil lady talks at him.

The design on the t-shirt Mike decided to wear