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My brother gets married tomorrow to someone he’s been dating for at least five years, leading me to respond “yes, you fool” in response to “did you think your brother would ever settle down?”  In fact, the wedding seems to be the penultimate step as he and his fiance own a house together and even more damning, a cat.  The ceremony is to be officiated by the mother of one of Ryan’s friends and when he was a much slimmer man she was a much larger woman for reasons I assume were medical.  During the practice exchange of rings she stood in the center while Ryan and Amanda were off to each side until the ring was placed and the two stepped closer together.  In a moment, the bright garb of the pastor was completely blocked out by my brother’s dark-clothed frame and I began laughing.  Some looked at me quizzically and I just pointed to the alter and said “eclipse”.

Later on at the rehearsal dinner my brother gave his members of the bridal party a top-shelf alcohol of their preference and engraved SOG pocket tools.  Knives and alcohol, that can’t end poorly.

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Christmas went well.  I woke at 1 AM, took a walk, read, shot people, and prepared for a new day.  About 7:30 AM I prepared breakfast, then spend 2 hours waiting for someone to wake up. I opted not to roust the house with slamdancing and assumed the scent of delectable breakfast meats would do.  Apparently sausage doesn’t waft as well as one would anticipate.  At 10 AM gifts were exchanged and by 10:02 my father and I were done and watched the love-match between my brother and his girlfriend take turns out-gifting one another.  Somewhere in the middle my brother got a really nice miter saw.  He doesn’t really use or need one, but should he, he’ll have a really nice one at the ready.  In other news I think my brother won Christmas, but I suspect him of cheating as Amanda pitched in on the tiebreaking decorative bench.

My single gift request for 2008 was a new speaker set for my computer and received the Logitech Z-5500 set.  I thought they’d be much smaller and found of the 55 lb package that 54 lbs was the sub woofer.  This fucker’s HUGE with a warning label cautioning not to use it within 2 feet of magnetically sensitive devices like pacemakers or credit cards (or simply ‘electronics’ as they put it).  It has an air intake for it’s turbocharger (I assume that’s what it is) big as my fist and fat heat-sink.  I’m confident I could sit on it while playing whale songs or something equally bassy and ride the thing like a hovercraft.  Alternatively, sneak it into Bestbuy and play Foreplay by Boston and permanently magnetize every CRT and erase every hard drive there.   I can now hear entire instruments that I could make out before like the “bones” in Great Big Seas Rant and Roar album or the wicked Bonnie Rait-inspired slide guitar opening to Appalachian Spring; true story.

My brother asked why I had the speakers on when I wore headphones while playing Team Fortress 2.  The answer: With the headphones, I can hear my enemies.  With the speakers, I can feel them.

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Two years running I’ve broken the tape measure I received for Christmas.  Most recently I broke the one given to me by my brother’s girlfriend Amanda.  I got her a day-to-day calendar which she’s obviously exhausted.  If I can keep up breaking her gifts we may have figured out a solute to the problem of buying for a family member’s significant other.

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Kyle:  Wow, I think I know why Max goes after Amanda’s iradescent green sock.  He sees in black and white, and what ever that hideous color is.  You must get tired of that crap being left around by your brother’s girlfriend.
Me: That’s my sock, and don’t bad mouth them until you know their glory.

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I don’t know why, but I really wanted to know how much the cat weighs.  Really wanted to know.  So, I asked  around:

Dad’s guess: 13 lbs
My guess: 15 lbs
Ryan’s guess: 11 lbs
Amanda’s guess: 1 dollar

So, I first tried dropping the cat on the bathroom scale and pushing down on it, depending on  the cat’s natural tendency to just lie down when you push down on it.  Fail.

I handed the cat to my dad.  To make a long story short, my dad bled a lot and we still didn’t know how much the cat weighed.

Amanda stepped up to the plate, weighed herself and then failed to get the cat to cooperate and after taking a claw to the boob, the cat was put down.  The golden opportunity occurred when the cat, hungry from fighting with us, wanted onto the countertop, Amanda grabbed him and soon the truth was illuminated: 15.4 lbs.

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I don’t know why, but I really wanted to know how much the cat weighs.  Really wanted to know.  So, I asked  around:

Dad’s guess: 13 lbs
My guess: 15 lbs
Ryan’s guess: 11 lbs
Amanda’s guess: 1 dollar

So, I first tried dropping the cat on the bathroom scale and pushing down on it, depending on  the cat’s natural tendency to just lie down when you push down on it.  Fail.

I handed the cat to my dad.  To make a long story short, my dad bled a lot and we still didn’t know how much the cat weighed.

Amanda stepped up to the plate, weighed herself and then failed to get the cat to cooperate and after taking a claw to the boob, the cat was put down.  The golden opportunity occurred when the cat, hungry from fighting with us, wanted onto the countertop, Amanda grabbed him and soon the truth was illuminated: 15.4 lbs.

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Dad’s jean collection for the most part consists of things that lie somewhere between “rugged” and “vapor” so for Christmas I decided to get him some jeans.  To not give away the secret I looked through the laundry to find the smallest pair knowing it’d be my father’s.  I found a beat up pair of 32 x 29s and quickly purchased a number of pairs and put the laundry back in my dad’s hamper.  This morning, my brother’s girlfriend was unable to find the pair of jeans she threw in my brother’s laundry and I quickly realized I had 4 incoming pairs of jeans that would fit no one in my house but my brother’s girlfriend.  I found out that Chris Lutz wears a 32 x 30 and figure I can unroll the cuff to cover the difference.  No one tell him from where the secret bounty of denim he received for Christmas came.