I left work early to meet the FiOS technician who was install my father’s TV service.  Four months without the Mystical Hitler/Bigfoot History Channel rendered him near catatonic and he clawed open his wallet to fix it.  The technician arrived and things went poorly quickly:

Him: Where’s your existing install? We’ll need to replace the router with something that supports the TV service.
Me: NO!!! NOT ABRAHAM LINKSYS! There’s got to be another way to do it.
Him: Nope, the new router manages port forwarding and DNS to get the menu stuff.
Me: So you’re telling me that not only are you going to take my router but you’ll prevent me from custom DNS lookups?
Him: Yes.
Me: Well, can’t we do it as a separate install?
Him: If you were an apartment conplex yes, but if you were you’d need a commercial service.
Me: In fact, this floor is zoned separately from the ground floor.  I board here but this closet is shared as part of a communications easement [Editor’s Note: At this point, I began spewing a collection of bullshit that caused the portion of my brain responsible for memory to go into shock.  All I remember is that I ended with “so that’s why there’s an exterior door in my bedroom” and he nodded in agreement.]

I don’t think he actually bought what I said so much as he realized the potential problem caused by disturbing a possibly unstable fat white guy who named his router “Abraham Linksys”.  Sometimes looking a little batshit crazy helps.